


Tsukishima is late

by assasinduckie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eventual Happy Ending, Hinata and Kageyama are couple goals, M/M, Post-Canon, Tsuki wallows in self pity, they will get together even if it's the last thing I do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:53:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28624404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assasinduckie/pseuds/assasinduckie
Summary: "When he thinks back to those days (and he does this more and more, recently) and compares it with his past fail relationships with people he thought were more “compatible” with him, he realises he acted more as a couple with Yamaguchi than he ever did with any of his actual partners."More than a decade later, Tsukishima realises he fucked up, but it's a little too late now. Still, he plans on being better.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 25
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [These City Lights Mean Nothing Without You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414893) by [Eskarina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eskarina/pseuds/Eskarina). 



> Hi! this is the first multichapter I've published! It's almost entirely finished, and I will be posting the rest of the chapters the following days!  
> Please enjoy!

When he thinks back to those days (and he does this more and more, recently) and compares it with his past fail relationships with people he thought were more “compatible” with him, he realises he acted more as a couple with Yamaguchi than he ever did with any of his actual partners.

This hindsight causes him to finally acknowledge the real reason behind his decision to actively stop them from being together all these years: plain old fear. Of course, he had rationalized it and convinced himself that it was actually the smartest thing to do. They were too different; they could never make each other happy. Eventually Yamaguchi would realise he wasn’t able to give him what he needed and not only they’re romantic relationship would end, but their friendship too. Just the thought of it made him so scared that he was able to suppress whatever urge he had to kiss him or just blurt out a love confession at any given moment of the day, on cause of Tadashi just smiling at him. He had told himself that his friends and family that continued to jab him about them were just being short-sighted. Just like he usually did, he had pushed a good thing away from him from sheer cowardice, while lying and truly believing he was just rational and realistic. And it had taken him 13 years and a bunch of fail attempts with other people to realise he was the one that had been short-sighted all along.

During that time, Kageyama and Hinata had gotten _married_ , for crying out loud. And there they were, living their best life, volleyball professional players with amazing careers and recognition around the world, a house, a ring on their fingers, they were even considering **adopting a child**. He had always known that Hinata was better than him, better player, braver, stronger, happier, and sure, while he did care for them and was happy that they had found each other (not that he would ever say that out loud) he had expected that at least Kageyama would make it take a little longer. Like, maybe a few more years of angst so that he wouldn’t feel like they were the exact depiction of what he could’ve have… if he hadn’t been a coward little rat. He hated to compare his relationship with Yamaguchi to the monster duo, but he hated more that in that comparison he came out on the losing side. Now he was a 28 year old man that had just realised that after being in love with his best friend for about 13 years (well, 13 years since he had realised he was) and knowing he reciprocated those feelings and consciously deciding to still act like it wasn’t mutual, he might actually be the only person he could be with. That he wanted to be with.

But Tadashi had found someone. Of course, he had. He couldn’t expect for a person that good and amazing in every way to wait for him all the time it took him to realise that compatibility doesn’t mean that you are both fucking cynics who like dinosaurs. Sometimes compatibility is about how you fit together, not just a list of things you have in common or things you lack and the other person compensates for. Just being able to help each other out. Even now when Yamaguchi has been in a relationship for more than 3 years with another man, he’s still the person that pushes him to be better. The person that challenges him and isn’t scared to call him out on his bullshit. The person that he trusts the most.

He’s thinking about this, sulking in his own self-made misery at his living room couch, his stomach growling because he’s hungry and should have made dinner an hour ago when he got home but instead decided to do an intense session of pining, when he gets a text:

“He left me. He took all his things and left.”

All air gets sucked out of his lungs as he stares at his phone screen for a couple seconds before hastily texting:

“Coming.”

He doesn’t actually know for sure where Yamaguchi is, but he assumes it’s probably at the apartment he shared with his now ex-boyfriend, and his silence makes him think he’s right at his assumption. So, he searches for the address on old texts, while getting on a taxi to take him to the neighbourhood which is the only thing he remembers about that place since he has only been there a couple times. Whenever they met this last years it was either on the street or at his own place. He hadn’t met the boyfriend many times either. He didn’t really want to, and Tadashi never pushed for it to happen. But he seemed like a nice guy, all smiles and courtesy, which was why he wanted to hate him but also really couldn’t… he made Tadashi happy and he had to be grateful for that. Well, not anymore. But he still had no idea what could have gone down with hem. Tadashi had never mentioned anything that indicated trouble. Whenever he talked about him it was all good things he did for him, and romantic gestures that made Tsuki want to throw up and simultaneously prove he could do better.

He wants to send him a text asking about whatever had happened, but Tadashi hasn’t even answered the first message yet. He also doesn’t want to insist on the texting in case he’s informed he’s actually not invited. He just wants to see him and make sure he’s ok (like, as ok you can be in the circumstances). If he’s crying (he probably is). If his hungry or tired or if there’s something he can do to help (there probably isn’t, but still). He’s seen Tadashi go through breakups before and it hasn’t been pretty. Some weeping in the bathroom floor was included in the last one. He always ended up dating people that didn’t treat him quite right, even though they appeared to be good alright guys. They took advantage of his kindness, in a way maybe they weren’t even aware of. Tsuki hated them all but couldn’t really blame them. He had done the same thing to Yamaguchi for years. Just take more than what you give and call it an even deal. And when things got a little more complicated, as life does, they would always brake up “hoping to be friends”. And Tadashi always delivered on that, even if it meant hanging together two days after the breakup when he was still heartbroken, and pretending everything is ok so the other person wouldn’t feel guilty. That always led to confusing circumstances in which he would get stuck in these needy relationships, where the other person would demand all the benefits of being in a romantic relationship from him and then alternatively act as if they were just friends or just lovers. And Tsuki would always tell him he was way too permissive and considerate, and Tadashi would just laugh it off and said they weren’t bad people and that he still cared for them.

He finally finds the address and, in what feels like forever, but was probably only 15 more minutes, he’s at the door. He rings the bell and for a second, he fears maybe he’s not home. Maybe he went to his parent’s house, or a friend, or is at a bar, until he hears a confused Yamaguchi answering the doorbell with an equally confused

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me.”

“Tsuki! What are you doing here? Never mind, wait a second, I’ll be right down”

He didn’t sound so bad he thinks, but then when Tadashi steps off the elevator he sees the puffed-up eyes and red nose and realises his initial assumption had been correct and he had been crying the whole time.

“Tsuki! What are you doing here?” He says, trying his best to smile normally. Tsukishima wants to tell him he doesn’t have to, but he can’t bring himself up to do it.

“I sent you a text.” He says and realises that doesn’t explain it.

“Oh, I didn’t see it. What did it say?”

“That I was coming.” not an explanation either.

“Oh.” They’re at the elevator now, and Yamaguchi’s forced good mood is dissipating quickly. He can’t see his face, he´s turned away from him but he hears it in his voice and sees it in the slouch of his back. He’s probably exhausted, crying does that to him.

“I just… didn’t want you to be alone.” He finally manages to explain.

“Thank you Tsuki” Tadashi answers, when the elevator doors open and looking at him, finally, smiling with his eyes closed, tears dangling from his lashes and streaming slowly down his face. Tsukishima feels the need to wipe them with his own hands, but Tadashi has already left the elevator and is heading to his apartment.

“It’s kinda messy, sorry” He says, while they enter a relatively clean living-room, with just a few things laying around, like a sweatshirt and some volleyball magazines. Tsukishima leaves his shoes at the entrance. “Do you want something to drink?” He’s trying to smile again, and Tsukishima can’t take it anymore. He takes one step closer and offers his arms, feeling awkward and stupid, but looking at Tadashi with a serious face, to let him know that he truly is there just to make him feel better. There’s a moment’s hesitation as Tadashi seems somewhat surprised but then he’s quickly fusing in Tsuki’s arms with a relieved sigh, and Tsuki hugs him tightly. He feels like it’s the only thing he can do right now, and he plans on doing it properly.

Yamaguchi starts to cry, and Tsukishima feels a jab of pain. He tightens the hug.

They stand there for several minutes, Tadashi crying silently, his face pressed against Tsukishima’s chest. Then he pulls away and says again

“Thank you for coming Tsuki” with the saddest smile Tsukishima has ever seen and he’s about to give in to the instinct of placing a hand on his face when, once again, Tadashi turns around and heads towards his bedroom. “Mind if we lay on the bed?” I’m really tired. I suppose you would like to know what happened”

“Only if you want to tell me.” Yamaguchi stops on his tracks, next to the bed, his back facing Tsuki who wonders if it would be too weird if he circled around him so he could see his face. After some seconds of stillness, Yamaguchi sits on the edge of the bed, facing him, and replies.

“I do. And I think it will help. I think I should have told you a long time ago but I just… I don’t know.” He’s sitting with his elbows on his knees, his hand supporting his face while covering it.

“What do you mean... You broke up long ago?” Tsukishima sits next to him, his light coat still on.

“No, no. But there had been problems. Well, one problem. The reason we broke up. It was long coming.” He’s starting to tear up again and Kei places his arm around Tadashi’s shoulders, in the most awkward way ever but, again, he’s determined on trying.

“What happened? Did you fight?” It doesn’t sound like something that would happen but it’s the only thing he can think about.

“No. Not really. Maybe a little. I got angry at first, for a bit. Then I just got sad and we said goodbye.” Tadashi takes in a deep breath, like building up the courage to speak. “He’s getting married.”

“WHAT?!” Kei’s head is spinning in circles. He is what?? Was he cheating on him or something?

“His family is very traditional, so they wanted him to get marry young and lead the family company. He had been escaping it for some time now, that’s why he was getting his second phd and stuff but now he can’t postpone it anymore…” He’s babbling, trying to defend the person who just broke his heart in a way that makes Tsuki’s heart break a little too.

“Then why didn’t he marry you?” He asks the obvious, hating every word. Tadashi looks at the floor, suddenly embarrassed.

“well... He wasn’t out to his parents. He didn’t think they would take it well.”

“What?! But… you went to his summer house for the holidays with him... you’ve dined with the parents many times, you’ve told me!” Tsukishima is bewildered, how had Tadashi never told him about any of this?

“Well… his parents weren’t at the summer house, they had gone on a trip and the dinners… he introduced me as his roommate, a friend from college.” His cheeks are red, and he has placed a hand behind his neck, clearly embarrassed. He takes a deep breath once again and then says “Anyways, they got him a suitor, a girl from another wealthy family they want him to marry and he’s been postponing it for months now and today his father gave him an ultimatum. So, he didn’t really have a choice. I couldn’t ask him to give up his family and his career for me…” So, this had been happening for at least months. Tadashi had known this was going to happen and still waited till the bitter end. And didn’t say a word to Tsukishima about it.

Tears start streaming down Tadashi’s face as he stares at his feet. Tsukishima pulls him in for a hug, a bit clumsily.

“You should have told me” he whispers in his ear, as softly as he can.

“You would have told me to leave him…” he says, his voice watery.

“I would have, yes. And I would have been right.” He pushes, because he can’t contain himself.

Tadashi lets out a shaky laugh.

“As usual” he says, jokingly. “I just didn’t want you to think badly of him. He’s not a bad guy.”

Now it’s Tsukishima’s turn to sigh.

“It doesn’t matter if he’s good or bad… he hurt you anyways. He shouldn’t have stayed here all this time if he knew he was going to leave eventually. And you shouldn’t have…” he stops himself mid-sentence. This isn’t the right time for scowling.

Tadashi stops crying and pushes him away slightly, to look at him in the face.

“I shouldn’t have what?” His eyes are intense, but he doesn’t seem mad. Tsukishima looks away before saying

“You know, just because… just because you love someone… or you’re in a relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean you have to give them everything you’ve got. Everything you are. You have to leave some for yourself.” He really should have shut it but he can rarely contain his reprimands, and he’s making an effort to make it sound nicer. Tadashi laughs again, this time shakier and shorter.

“I don’t know if I can do that…” he says. And when Tsukishima looks at him again, he looks so sad and scared that he feels like he has to fix this somehow. Tentatively, he places a hand on Yamaguchi’s cheek, which causes the boy to look at him surprised, stopping his crying. Tsukishima wipes away a tear with his thumb. His brain is working at full speed thinking of something to say.

“It’s okay.” He says, and his voice is tiny, truly miniscule. He tries again, a little louder and clearer. He wants to seem sure, even if he has no idea what he’s saying, or if he’s promising more than he can achieve. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”

Tadashi bursts into tears again and leans forward to desperately hug Tsukishima, while saying “Thank you Tsuki” over and over again, his entire body shaken by his now loud weeping. Tsukishima just stays silent, hugging him and petting him in the back thinking he has nothing to thank him for. He’s no different than that asshole that just dumped him. He also just took and gave near to nothing in return. But he’s gonna be better, he vows to himself. He has to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “oh my god, Tsuki!” Yamaguchi gasps, taking a hand to his heart. “I think that’s the nicest thing you ever said to me!”  
> Tsukishima is about to answer that it couldn’t possibly be when he realises in horror that he’s probably right. Fuck. He had so much to make up to. He might as well start now. With a still racing heart, and a forever guilty conscience, he decides to take the honesty approach up another notch.   
> “I know” He sighs. “I’m an ass. Sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2!   
> Enjoy!

He wakes up suddenly, and he’s sweating profusely. The temperature must have dropped sometime during the night and the automatic heater in Yamaguchi’s place must have turned on, warming everything up. Including Tsuki, who was still wearing his jacket from outside, and also has a blanket that he threw on him and Yamaguchi sometime during the night, because he was starting to shiver. He can feel Yamaguchi weight on him, his head resting on top of his chest, but he keeps his eyes strongly shut. He was dreaming about him. More than a dream, it was a memory, of that time they won against Inarizaki, while still a first year in Karasuno. In his dream he was also sweating and felt his body on fire, probably what had triggered the recollection **.** They had won the match and everyone in the team had run to jump on top of Hinata and Kageyama, who had blocked the last spike. He was still in the spot where he had dropped when he heard the whistle of the referee. Even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t have forced his body, still trembling with exhaustion, to walk there to join them. He thought he would stay in that spot alone until he could stand up again and then he felt Yamaguchi’s arms around him and his screaming and cheering in his ears.

He loved that memory. Mostly because, differently to many of the other moments of close physical contact they had had during the years, this time he hadn’t pulled away. He just stood still while Yamaguchi embraced him in the middle of the court, everyone watching. -But he didn’t want to be thinking about it now, 13 years later, while he was also being embraced by Yamaguchi, except this time the motive was very different. He knew he had to let go of that past that had been haunting him the last few months. Even if they were happy dreams, they felt bittersweet to him now, and he couldn’t be there for Yamaguchi in the present while he was obsessively thinking about the things he could’ve done differently in the past. He had bowed to himself he would let go of it, last night. So he kept his eyes shut as the memory of the dream drifted away, as dreams do, and when he could barely remember what he had been so vividly experiencing a few minutes ago, he shimmied his way out of Yamaguchi’s arms.

He stood up and got rid of his jacket, and light sweater. His shirt was drenched in his own sweat. He headed to the bathroom to wash his face. Half of the counter space next to the sink was covered by different items, shaving cream, sunscreen, moisturizer, a comb, hair gel and shampoos, while the other half was astonishingly empty, a light cover of dust showing the empty spaces where items used to be. Tsukishima frowned at the obvious feeling of absence that the image evocated and began cleaning the counter and rearranging the items to cover it evenly, that way Tadashi wouldn’t have to look at the sad scene when he woke up. He then decided to take a shower to cool himself off, since he was still heated and continued to sweat profusely.

The water did just what he needed, and he got back to the room, a towel he had found in the bathroom cabinets tied around his hips. There he was surprised by a sleepy Yamaguchi, mid undressing. He stood awkwardly at the entrance wondering if he should sneak away or announce his presence, until Tadashi saw him and threw old t-shirt and gym shorts at him.

“What are you doing up? It’s like 5 am.” He muttered, sounding annoyed for some reason.

“Heard you showering, and the clothes were uncomfortable and too hot. The heater must have turned on.” He answered, dragging his words, eyes barely opened, clearly still very much on the verge of sleeping.

“Sorry” said Tsukishima, feeling stupid. Of course the sound of the shower would wake him up, he should have thought about that.

Yamaguchi had finished putting his own piyamas and was getting into the bed, peeling away the cover layer to just use the sheets. Tsukishima hurried getting dressed and slipped into the bed next to him.

“issokey” was Yamaguchi’s answer as he closed his eyes, scooching a little closer to Tsuki. “Thank you for staying”

“Of course” was all Kei could answer before carefully placing his hand on top of Tadashi’s, that was resting next to his face, in a rare moment of bravery that only the night and the sleepy ambience could allow him. He told himself it was more comforting and reassuring than it was weird and a second later, they had both fallen back to sleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

He was the first one to wake up. But he could tell Yamaguchi would be up any minute now, from the way he was tossing and turning. They had slept in the same bed many times, especially in their youth, and Tsukishima could easily identify Tadashi’s sleeping habits and patterns. So, he got up and headed to the kitchen, intending on making some delicious breakfast to lift his spirits. He chose pancakes, and he was just about to flip the first one when a sleepy Tadashi, wearing hello kitty pyjamas which print Tsukishima had been unable to identify in the dark of Tadashi’s room the night before, showed up at the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

“mmmmorning Tsuki. That smells good… what is it?”

He didn’t answer, partly because he didn’t feel quite in control of himself to speak, internally gushing over how damn cute Tadashi looked, his hair a mess, and his eyes half closed, in his too small hello Kitty pyjama. And also, because he had just woken up himself, and the first words were always harder to get out. So, he just flipped the pancake in the air, with a fancy one hand movement of the pan, and showed it to Tadashi, who opened his eyes in excitement.

“Oh my god, that was so cool! Aah, I haven’t had pancakes in forever. We weren’t really eating gluten because Haru thought he might be allergic…” he said, the excitement fading away as he finished the sentence. He still tried to smile but it was a sad little one.

Tsukishima felt like he should say something among the lines of, well, you can eat all the gluten you want now, or, how are you doing, but he couldn’t get the words out. So they just stayed in silence, while he swiftly and neatly made the pancakes, and Tadashi watched. Luckily, silence wasn’t a stranger to them. They felt comfortable in silence (he thought, though he did throw a couple quick glances towards Tadashi from time to time, to check if he wasn’t bored to).

When he was finished, he served them with frozen strawberries, cream cheese and honey (the items he had found in the fridge that he thought could work). They sat at the western table, and he spoke the first word of the day when they said

“Itadakimasu” at unison.

“It’s delicious Tsuki” said Yamaguchi after a few bites, beaming at his plate. “Thank you!”

“Maybe we could make some okonomiyaki for lunch. I think you have everything we need in the fridge.” He said. Even after all these years of Yamaguchi saying nice things about him, he still didn’t quite know how to answer. His latest tactic was just changing the topic.

“You’re staying for lunch??” was Tadashi’s surprised response.

“should I … not?” fuck, he hadn’t even consider asking.

“Of course you should! I just didn’t think you’d want to; I mean, you probably have things to do…”

“Oh. Not really. I just finished working on this season exhibit and I did a lot of extra hours and worked on the weekends, so now they gave me like a week off/work from home kind of thing. I guess I should answer some e-mails, but I can do that from my phone.” Tadashi was smiling happily, and he had to look away to not smile as well.

“That’s settled then! You’re staying for the day! Ahh, that’s great, I was worried that you would leave, and I’d get lonely and saaad. I mean, it’s going to happen eventually, I know. I should probably move out of here soon anyways… It’s too big, and I can’t really afford it on my own.”

“Well… I could stay here until Monday… and we could go apartment seeking.” He says, immediately thinking the proposition will be rejected and regretting asking.

“Really?? Oh, that would be great! Oh, I would love one that at least has a tatami living room. . . It was always Haru that preferred the occidental style… Maybe even a small traditional house. . . Though it would probably still be too big for me. Maybe I should get a roommate, but I feel like I’m too old for that, I don’t know…”

Yamaguchi kept rambling on about the new apartment for the rest of the morning as they finished their breakfast and did the dishes, and then Tsukishima started making the okonomiyaki because it was already lunch time and he was very structured with his eating habits. He only answered with head nods, and one-word sentences, but Yamaguchi didn’t seem to mind anyways and he was feeling rather happy at himself about how effective he was at distracting his friend.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

They spent that day and the next searching for apartments, with a brief intermission for Tsukishima to grab a change of clothes, even though Tadashi insists insisted his sweatpants didn’t look so bad on him even if they did end several centimetres above his ankles. Luckily, the contract ended in a month and though Haru was clearly an asshole, he did pay in advance his share of the rent to make it easier on Tadashi. So they had a month to find a place and move all of Tadashi’s things out, which explained why he was so on board with immediately starting with the apartment hunt.

Tadashi preferred a small house even if it meant it was further away from the city, since he worked from home half the time and didn’t really mind the commuting. It also made it cheaper and easier to find. So after spending that Friday afternoon calling an e-mailing places they found online, it took them almost all Saturday to tour the 5 places they found that they thought could work, and also answered in such short notice.

Incredibly, the last one they went to, at around 5 pm in the afternoon, seemed to be the one. It might need a little renovating, but it was a full traditional Japanese home with tatami floors and a beautiful veranda. It was also a really decent price, on cause of it being a little far from the train station but Tadashi assured the owner, a man their age that lived in the city with his two daughters and his wife, that he didn’t mind walking a bit in the morning. The owner explained them that the house belonged to his grandparents that ended up moving in the city with them when they were too old to be alone, and recently passed away. They had asked him not to sell the house, and he didn’t want to either, but couldn’t afford to maintain it on his own for the time being. Still, he planned on moving there with his wife when their two daughters grew up and moved on their own.

Tadashi loved the story and got along well immediately with the man, both of them complaining about life in the city and thinking back to how much they liked living in the outskirts as kids. The house was maybe a little more expensive than the other ones they have seen but it was generally bigger, prettier, and had an extra room that Tadashi already had a million ideas about what to do with, as he assured the sceptic Tsuki, adding that he’s “doing well with money and can afford something a little above their original budget”. But Tsukishima ended up agreeing with Tadashi that the place did seem to be perfect for him, everything that he was picturing in his head.

While they’re heading back to the city, after almost a full day without mentioning him, Tadashi ends up opening up a bit about his relationship with Haru. He explains to Tsuki that he had thought that knowing what was going to happen would make it easier. That he convinced himself he was in control, and just making the most of a difficult situation. But in the end when Haru showed up with some empty boxes and explained he had had a fight with his parents and that if he didn’t go back home that day, and got married in the next month he would be cut out of the family (and the family business), he still felt betrayed. He thought it wouldn’t be so abrupt. He thought they could even have a last night together, like in a tragic story of unfortunate lovers. Instead, he’s helping his boyfriend pack his things to go get married with someone else and he ends up snapping and asking why they can’t just do that the next day…surely it could wait just one more day, its already getting late. When Haru says no, they get into a fight that ends up with Tadashi locking himself up in the bathroom to cry and Haru continuing the packing on his own. When he finally managed to cool himself down, he finds that Haru is already about to leave. He walks him to the door, and they say goodbye and that’s it.

He had imagined that there would be tears and a dramatic declaration of _undying love_ but instead he gets a pair of keys and a “sorry, there’s nothing I can do about it.” that doesn’t even sound like an apology. He doesn’t think they will be seeing each other any time soon, or even talking on the phone.

He seems more shocked than sad when he says that it wouldn’t surprise him if they never talk again. Three and a half years together and it ended in the span of two hours.

Tsukishima listens to the entire story trying his best not to interrupt him to say Haru is an asshole or do what he really wants to do… ask him why he seems to care so little about himself. Instead he just pats him in the back and offers going to have dinner and maybe a drink later, to celebrate that they found a nice new place so quickly. Yamaguchi agrees and names it the “new place new chapter of life” dinner.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

They go to a family style restaurant near Yamaguchi’s and eat to their heart’s content. Then they begin on the sake and soon they’re laughing at old high school memories, especially the time Yamaguchi shouted at Tsuki in that training camp, while still first years in Karasuno, and told him he was being lame for not trying harder in Volleyball.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you remember that so well!!! I think I just repressed the memory. God, I was so scared you’d get mad, that’s why I was trembling…” he says, looking towards the ceiling longingly, remembering himself. He laughs. “I had such a huge crush on you, it’s embarrassing really. I actually thought I was being subtle about it…” he laughs again. “I was so obvious. I’m surprised you never mocked me about it”

Tsukishima’s heart begins racing. They had never talked about this. In all these years Yamaguchi never addressed it out loud and neither did him. And now that he does, he uses the past tense. Of course he does. If he still felt something, he wouldn’t be talking about it so freely.

“That would have been cruel.” He says, pushing his overwhelming emotions down, and feeling thankful he hasn’t had so much to drink that he can’t control himself enough to have this conversation. “not that I wasn’t ever cruel to you” he adds, quietly, with a sad grin.

Yamaguchi is now looking at him, all the laughter and light-headedness of mere seconds ago completely gone. He feels his throat go dry.

“So you knew.” Fuck. There’s another question there, implicit. Why didn’t you say something? He feels that old fear creeping in. He thinks about changing the subject, but he isn’t willing to allow himself to fall in bad old habits so easily.

“Yeah.” He says, and his voice sounds raspy. He clears his throat and tries again. “Yeah I did.”

He’s still looking at Yamaguchi in the eyes and his heart is still racing like crazy. Yamaguchi cracks a smile and all the tension dissolves.

“AAAAaah, of course you knew. I bet everybody knew.” Tsukishima breaths again. He feels like that was a test and he got a barely passing grade, but it still feels like a victory after declining to take the test at all for a really long time.

“I don’t know, I think Kageyama and Hinata were probably too smitten with each other to notice anything.” Thank god for his sense of humor, the only thing about himself he’s proud of, even if it is cynical and dark, it always makes Yamaguchi crack up, like right now. And it’s a great diversion tactic.

“I wouldn’t be so sure! He told me a couple years ago that he was sure we were dating. He didn’t even believe me at first when I told him we weren’t. He said everyone else thought so too.” From what he’s saying, Tsukishima realises he had been keeping this conversation with Hinata for himself for quite some time. He’s about to answer god knows what when Yamaguchi adds, with a sigh. “Do you ever think back to it? I mean, not just the volleyball team, I mean school. Like, the everyday stuff. Walking to school together, seeing each other every single day. I don’t think we have spent this much continuous time together since then…”

Tsukishima swallows and decides to amp up the level of honesty. Tadashi was, and he had to be up to the circumstances.

“Of course I think back to it.” He says. “All the time” he keeps to himself. ” I miss it. I think I could even say I liked school but to be honest, you were the reason it was bearable at all.”

“oh my god, Tsuki!” Yamaguchi gasps, taking a hand to his heart. “I think that’s the nicest thing you ever said to me!”

Tsukishima is about to answer that it couldn’t possibly be when he realises in horror that he’s probably right. Fuck. He had so much to make up to. He might as well start now. With a still racing heart, and a forever guilty conscience, he decides to take the honesty approach up another notch.

“I know” He sighs. “I’m an ass. Sorry”

Yamaguchi looks at him like he can’t believe his eyes. Then he laughs again.

“Tsuki, it’s alright. I know you care about me; I don’t need you to say it.”

“Still, it would be nice to hear it wouldn’t it be. I know I like It when you say it.” Oops, maybe the alcohol had had an effect on him after all. He was revealing more than what he had intended. And yet, he continues. “But It would seem that I just can’t. Say it.” He sighs again, heavier. “I guess you’re still cooler than me after all.” He looks up to see Tadashi blushing just like he did when they were in school. Then he starts laughing again.

“I take it back, that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me.” Tsukishima smiles, like an idiot. How could he not? Tadashi’s smiling like he had just handed him the moon and the stars. It’s a beautiful sight. After some more laughing and a couple more drinks in silence Tadashi speaks again. “I’m not gonna lie, it would be nice to hear it sometimes. But I mean it when I say I don’t need it. Maybe when we were kids, I would sometimes doubt that you even wanted me around but… Someone like you, if you hadn’t wanted to be my friend, well, you wouldn’t have been. And now…You know, I’ve had people say a lot of things to me, tell me they love me, that they want to be with me forever, and then just leave and pretend it never happened… But you’re still here. We’ve spent the entirety of the last 2 days together just because you don’t want me to feel lonely. So yeah, I don’t need you to say it to know it’s true. It’s the actions that truly count.”

Tsukishima can feel his eyes watering and a growing embarrassment over the fact. The drunk man inside of him decides to inform Yamaguchi of this.

“Well fuck Tadashi, you’re gonna make me cry.” He says, still trying to sound somewhat “manly” god knows why. Yamaguchi just laughs.

“I’ll believe it when I see it” he says, which doesn’t make a lot of sense because he _is_ seeing Tsuki rubbing his eyes to scare away the tears that had begun forming. Maybe he had had too much to drink too.

“I can’t believe Hinata said that to you. No, actually, I can’t believe he said it some years ago and not at that time.” He says, picking back a conversation he had barely survived, for some strange reason that the sober part of his brain can’t comprehend. “You know, I think I acted more like a couple with you than I ever did to any of my partners. I’m surprised more people hadn’t said anything to you. I mean, I’m surprised no one ever said anything to me. Besides Akiteru” His pulse is accelerating one more time. He’s playing a risky game now, revealing way too much for the very small possibility of a scarce gain (like Tadashi agreeing that they acted like a couple). He just can’t let it go just like that, without acknowledging he _knew_. He knew It wasn’t just a crazy Hinata assumption.

Yamaguchi looks at him in disbelief once more and then apparently decides to continue the conversation as if it wasn’t weird for Tsukshima to be revealing so much of what went on inside his mind.

“Well, actually, Hinata said that no one said anything because they thought we had broken up and didn’t want to stick their finger in the wound sort of speak.”

“why did they think we had broken up???” he answers, louder than he would have wanted, but he seems to have lost control over that factor as well.

“Well… because I started dating Eiji and you began dating Kento?” he says, raising one eyebrow, an amused grin on his face. God he was hot.

“oh. Right. That.” Tsukishima can feel his newly found bravery (or stupidity, he can’t decide) slipping away so he takes one more long sip to his drink. “I never liked Eiji” he clarifies, frowning. Yamaguchi laughs.

“I know! I could tell. He could tell. Everyone could tell!”

“But he was alright I guess” he continues, as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “The one I hated the most was the tall one, Kyuchi, Kyusichi, whatever his name was. I couldn’t stand him. He was always smiling like an idiot.”

“He wasn’t so bad!” They’re repeating the conversation they often have, Tsuki trying to make Yamaguchi say _something_ that isn’t nice about them, and never succeeding.

“Really?? That asshole led you on for months and then said he hadn’t noticed that you were so caught up with him. Fucking… asshole.” He’s repeating himself now, starting to sound like Kageyama when he tries to curse.

“Well… he was right that I should have told him that I had developed feelings for him…”

“Oh, he knew... he fucking knew. That… asshole.” Yamaguchi suddenly stands up, stretches his arms and walks up to a surprised Tsuki to place a hand on his back.

“Okay, you’re starting to curse like Kageyama, I think it’s best we head home. Maybe take a walk in the cold first.” He says, while standing Tsuki up and helping him put his coat on.

Kei tries really hard but can’t contain a pout.

“But I’m having fun” he says, almost whimpering.

“Come on, let’s go, we can keep talking on the way home you know right?” Tsuki realises Tadashi is right and brights up.

But they don’t really talk, not at first at least, while they’re walking out of the bar, Tsukishima stumbling a bit and a not-so-sober-either Tadashi trying to steady him. When the cold finally snaps them a bit out of it, and they have spent a couple minutes in silence, Yamaguchi asks

“So… what did Akiteru said to you? You know… about us, and the whole, looking like a couple thing.” He was conveniently looking at the passing cars on the road. Tsukishima smiles. It had taken some time, but he had bit the bait.

“Nothing much. He just asked me when where we going to “formalize” the relationship.”

“Pfffffff” is Tadashi’s response. “He what now?? So he thought we were dating too?”

“Well… I think he thought we didn’t know that we were dating, hence the formalizing in the question, and the teasing tone he used.”

“What did you answer him?” his eyes are sparkling with curiosity.

“mmmm I don’t really remember… it was more than 10 years ago but something among the lines of “when we’re dating you’ll _know_ ” I think” his cheeks are burning a bit, but he figures that could pass as an effect of the chilly air.

“mmmm, shouldn’t you just have answered that we _weren’t dating_?”

“Well, he would have argued that we were and just didn’t realise it or something like that and also… you know I like to be mysterious.” He adds, while winking at Yamaguchi with a shameless grin. He’s saying the truth, or that was what he had told himself was the reasoning behind his answer at the time at least.

“Drunk Tsuki reminds me of Kuroo-san.” He says smiling brightly, clearly amused and not swept of his feet.

“Agh, drunk Kuroo is the worst. HE gets so sappy and corny… remember last volleyball reunion?? He insisted on hugging each one of us _twice._ ” He pretends to feel a chill down his body, that the incoordination of his inebriated body makes look like a spasm.

“You’re right, he’s quite terrible, but we were talking drunk Tsuki, and I must admit he’s more emmm… expressive, than I would have imagined. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.” He says smiling.

“I’m not _drunk_ … I mean, I’m not stupid, I know I’m not **sober** ” he clarifies, just in time for a very inelegant stumble with his own feet. “It’s not the alcohol. Well, it is, but the alcohol is just helping me be more… better.” Is he making sense? He’s really trying.

“You’re trying to be better? By drinking?” he’s half joking half serious, just like how all the conversation had been going.

“No, well, yes… I mean, it helps with the talking. You know I’m not good at dealing with people.” He says, matter of factly. “I’m not a good son or brother. Not a good boyfriend. I’m not even a good friend. But I still have of most of those. When I think of shitty people, I get mad but then I go and do the same.” They’re waiting for the green light to cross the street even if there are no cars in sight. He looks at his shoes. “Is not right. “he adds, slightly slurring his words.

“Wow… That’s so cool Tsuki. I would like to be able to do that too.” Says a still smiling Yamaguchi, his natural form.

“mmm that’s stupid. You´re already doing it. All the time. That’s why I want to do it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! If you'd like to leave a kudo and a kind comment, I'd really apreciate it !  
> As usual, thank you to my amazing beta @Millie_jean, for keeping me motivated and encouraging me to write (and also proof-reading my stuff, which is rather essential)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why… Why do you… I mean why don’t you…” he stopped himself. He was being ridiculous. He took a deep breath and started again, ignoring Yamaguchi’s giggling. “Why do you date assholes?”
> 
> “Hey! I don’t date assholes!! They’re good people… most of them I still consider friends…” luckily he sounded more amused than offended. What years of dealing with his bad temper and lousy communication skills does to someone, Kei thought.
> 
> “Well, you can be a good person and still be an asshole. Most people are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's chapter 3! Hope you like it!

It felt like it took them forever but eventually they arrived at Yamaguchi’s, considerably colder and more sober than they had left the family style restaurant. They had switched to a happier and less philosophical topic during the blocks they had left, mainly discussing the dates of the moving and thinking about asking a couple of friends for help, to avoid having to hire someone for it. He didn’t own many things anyways, so it shouldn’t be too much work. Yamaguchi was excited about the prospect of moving to his dream home and Tsukishima was happy to see him happy and also, now he was sobering up, he was happy to talk about something that didn’t exposed him so much. But that wouldn’t last because by the time they got up to the apartment he couldn’t stop thinking about how he could’ve had his dream home a long time ago, and why hadn’t he?

When they finally got into bed, he couldn’t contain himself anymore.

“I’m going to ask you something.” He had meant to phrase it more like a “can I ask you something” but oh well.

“what is it?” Yamaguchi’s voice sounded a mix of tired and curious.

“Why… Why do you… I mean why don’t you…” he stopped himself. He was being ridiculous. He took a deep breath and started again, ignoring Yamaguchi’s giggling. “Why do you date assholes?”

“Hey! I don’t date assholes!! They’re good people… most of them I still consider friends…” luckily he sounded more amused than offended. What years of dealing with his bad temper and lousy communication skills does to someone, Kei thought.

“Well, you can be a good person and still be an asshole. Most people are.” He considered himself one, actually.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what does being a good person mean? That you’re not evil? That you don’t enjoy causing pain? Basically, that you’re not a psychopath. In that case being “a good person” it’s worth next to nothing.” He sat up on the bed, looking at the general shape of Yamaguchi’s head, which was all he could see in the dark and without his glasses. “By itself its worth nothing.” He repeated, trying to rearrange his thoughts. He was still a little bit tipsy and also exhausted and sleepy. Still, he was determined on getting his point across. “What’s worth is what you do. When you behave like an asshole, it’s irrelevant weather you meant to do it or not. What’s important is what you do after right?”

“I guess…” Yamaguchi answered, noncommittally.

“And these guys… they’re not bad people but they hurt you and then they hurt you again and then they never apologize or try to fix it and. . . well, that’s what I call being an asshole.” He finished, crossing his arms, satisfied with his statement.

“It seems like you’ve spent some time thinking about it…” there was still an edge of fun in Tadashi’s voice, and they both laughed a bit, releasing some of the tension.

“What I’m asking is” he began again, more serious this time. “why did you stay?” he could sense how Yamaguchi tensed up next to him, but he needed to know. “When he told you it was impossible between the both of you, why did you stay? Where you hoping to change his mind?” It took some time but Yamaguchi finally answered

“No” his tone was grave now. Not sad nor angry, just serious, and plane.

“So?”

“I don’t know.” Silence fell between them, but Tsukishima waited for more. Slowly, Tadashi also sat on the bed and brought his knees to his chest, hugging his legs. “I guess I thought that if I loved him then I would take the time I had left with him…”

“You’re not dying. Neither was him. He chose not to be with you.”

“It was more complicated than that…”

“Everything is more complicated than that. But he had a choice and he didn’t choose you, and you were ok with it and I get that but why did you stay? You knew it was going to be sad and painful, why would you do that to you? Why did you keep it a secret? You said that you knew I would tell you to leave, but I’ve told you to break up with every single boyfriend you had at some point and you never listen, why was it different with this asshole?”

The silence on Yamaguchi’s end grew so long he figured he might not even answer, but in the end, there was a long sigh and then he heard

“Because I knew I was wrong. The moment I said it out loud to someone I would have to recognize that I was being stupid. Worse than stupid I was being… mean. To myself. But I was just… stuck.” He sounded frustrated. He turned his body to Tsuki’s direction and repeated. “ I was stuck. I wanted to tell you. I almost did so many times but then… too much time had gone by and it became harder and harder and then I just told myself you wouldn’t understand or that you’d get mad I hadn’t told you before and…” he trailed off mid-sentence, and leaned back against the wall. After a sigh he continued. “It’s scary, you know? How easy it is to hide things. I used to think I couldn’t hide anything from you and then I did and for so long… I didn’t even have to lie. I just omitted. Maybe I was punishing myself or something. My psychologist always said I have a taste for destructive tendencies.” He let out a sad little laugh. “I didn’t even tell **her**. I don’t know Tsuki. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. Maybe I just can’t be with someone unless I think they’re gonna leave me. Maybe I was in love with you for all those years just because I knew you would never reciprocate.” Tsukishima felt like a boulder had been dropped on his stomach, but he had no time to recover because Tadashi just kept blurting out words. “Maybe I just don’t think I deserve love or something stupid like that. Like… I’m not that oblivious. I know that I have a tendency to start relationships that are bound to crash and burn. I laugh and I say I’m just not that lucky in love! and stuff like that but I know it’s probably my fault ok?” He was growing angrier with every word and Tsukishima was starting to regret starting this conversation.

“I didn’t say it was your fault-” he tried, but Tadashi interrupted him.

“But that’s what you think isn’t it? And I know it’s probably true but I don’t need you to remind me-“

“That’s not what I meant!!” he interrupted him, before it went too far, if it hadn’t already. “ That’s not what I said either. It’s not your fault. It’s not a matter of faults anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He sounded angry and defensive.

“it not fault, it’s just…responsibility. Your responsible for your actions and so is everyone else. Yes, you’re partially responsible for hurting yourself. And so is Haru. You should have left, and he shouldn’t have asked you or even let you stay. Like I said its irrelevant if you meant to do what you did, or not, you did it and now you get to decide what you’re gonna do to fix it. And you’re doing it. Your moving out of a house you probably don’t even like in a city that you can only stand a couple hours a day to live somewhere that makes you happy. But I just wanted to understand… understand you. Because you’re good. Like an actual good person that does good things and fixes his mistakes and is not an asshole. Except to yourself. Then you’re so mean I don’t even know if you’re an asshole or you just hate yourself…” at this point he realised that Yamaguchi’s shoulders were shaking, and he heard the muffled crying. Fuck. He was an imbecile. “Fuck. Tadashi. Sorry. Fuuuck. I shouldn’t be saying this now. I’m sorry I fucked up, don’t cry.” He tentatively reached out to hug him in time to hear him say

“Sorry Tsuki. I didn’t mean to yell.” Of course he was apologizing.

“You didn’t yell” he answered to his ear, while surrounding him with his arms. “I’m sorry I said you hated yourself. I’m the actual asshole.”

“It’s true tho” he answered, stopping the crying for a moment, and pulling back a bit. “I don’t know why but, even when I’m in love or happy, I just never picture myself with a happy ending, you know?” what he was saying was terrifying. How long had he felt this way? If someone like him couldn’t get a happy ending, then what was left for the rest of them?

“That’s because you haven’t found someone yet. You will. I know you will, and even if you don’t or if it’s only a temporary happy ending, I’ll be here for you. Always. Just… don’t date anymore assholes please.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

He wakes up in the bed and every inch of his body hurts and feels heavy. He also has a headache and a growing sense of panic over not being able to recollect exactly what happened the night before. It isn’t like he blacked out or anything. He just has all the conversations mingled in his head in a huge mess. Had he really said all of those things or had he dreamed them? He can remember the last bit quite good, the awkward questioning, the arguing and the crying and the falling asleep in each other’s arms again, but the conversation that had come before is all a blur and he has the sense he has fucked up somehow. Like, several times. But he can’t remember the details of his fucking up and he has no idea how to get them.

This time, he doesn’t have time to get out of bed before Tadashi begins waking up himself. Luckily, while they’re still rather close, at least he’s not partially on top of Tsuki, like he was when they fell asleep. He just has his head over Tsuki’s shoulder when he begins moving and yawning. When he starts stretching, Tsukishima sits on the bed, and puts his glasses back on.

“morning” he says, making a supreme effort to sound cheerful and ending up just sounding neutral, which is still an improvement from the “I hate life” tone that he usually has when he just woke up, that is, if he speaks at all.

“morning Tsuki” is the sleepy response he gets. “What time is it?”

He just shows him his phone, no need to waste words on that, and then they both go to the bathroom to wash their teeth. When Tadashi sees Tsuki’s being doing it with the tiny travel toothbrush he carries everywhere with him, he opens a drawer and gifts him with a new, beautifully normal sized toothbrush that elevates Tsuki’s humour greatly, to the point he even manages to say “Thanks”.

It’s weird to be brushing their teeth together, like a couple, but Tsuki tries not to think much of it. He does, however, enjoys the domesticity of the action, and the level of comfort that it intel’s.

When they realise they have nothing to eat, and also is lunch time already, they decide to get dress, or more like change their sleeping sweatpants for outdoors sweat pants and a hoodie for the cold, and go find a place to eat. Yamaguchi wants something sweet and caffeine to calm his raging hangover, while Tsuki would prefer to stick to traditional lunch foods, so they settle on a café that has a brunch menu that should satisfied both of them.

The Café is in a beautiful building, with a terrace that’s closed due to the high winds that had risen overnight, but it doesn’t matter because the windows go from the floors to the ceiling and they pick a table next to them, to enjoy the view of the city. Tsuki finds out that he’s not much better than a horny teen when he realises he’s staring at Tadashi. In his defence, he’s sporting a set of grey sweatpants and hoodie that match (and fit him quite fine), with some stylish white sneakers and a long, structured dark blue winter coat that he threw on when he saw how the wind was moving the branches of the tree of the park a couple blocks away from his home, that he could still see from his window. He also took the top part of his hair in a messy bun that looks ridiculously sexy, and there’s currently a streak of sunlight that’s making its way through the grey clouds lighting his face and making his skin look golden. He saves the image in his head for later and painfully forces himself to look away. He had thought that after all this time of being so infatuated with someone the intensity of it would tone down, but apparently not.

They order the food and eat happily. Because the weather is not so nice there’s barely anyone at the café, which makes it quiet and peaceful, just how Tsukishima likes it. The food also comes fast and is delicious.

“mmmmm, I think we should be getting back… it looks like it might start raining anytime” Tadashi says, after finishing lunch, while they’re drinking some much-needed digestive tea. He has taken out the coat and has the sleeves of his hoodie rolled up to his elbows. He’s gazing at the menacing clouds and Tsukishima decides to take another mental image because, why the fuck no.

“mmm” he says as his only answer. He’s full and doesn’t really feel like walking but he knows Tadashi is right and they should get going.

“But maybe we should talk about last night first” Tadashi adds, slowly, while leaning back on his chair, and turning to look at Tsuki, who swallows hard and tries to keep his mind from jumping to conclusion. The look in Yamaguchi’s eyes isn’t making him feel any less anxious.

“What about last night?” he manages to say in a tone that almost sounds like his normal self.

“Our last conversation. And the one before too. Hell, maybe all that’s been happening these past few days.”

Tsukishima feels his heart pounding to his chest. The answer Tadashi has given him is so vague he has no idea where the conversation is heading, so he just waits, while putting on his best poker face.

“I guess that what I’m trying to say is… Thank you. For being here. For listening to me. For hugging me when I cry and for telling me the difficult things too. I know it’s hard for you and I can see that you’re making an effort. You said last night that you wanted to change, I mean, you were pretty wasted when you said it, so I don’t know if you-“

“I remember” he cuts Tadashi off, because it’s true, he does. He doesn’t really remember what the context of the conversation was, but he remembers saying it.

“Well, I wanted to tell you that I see it. And that you’re doing it already. Last night you told me things I never thought I would hear from your lips. You’re my best friend Tsuki. Since I can remember. I don’t know what I would do without you and I don’t want to know. And, like you said, whatever it is, whatever problem comes your way, I’ll be here for you too. We will find a way to fix it, together. Just like we always have.” He extends a hand over the table, palm up, and Tsukishima doesn’t even think twice about it when he places his own on Tadashi’s palm, and squeezes.

“When you say it, it sounds less stupid.” He says, quietly. He gazes up to look Tadashi in the eyes and he’s smiling at him, like he always is. This time, he smiles back.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

It starts raining almost the second they step outside. They take refuge in the entrance of a fancy building. The rain falls so hard it bounces on the floor and wets them up to the knee, even from where they are, under the small roof. Tsukishima wishes he would have brought a coat of some kind too, because the wind is inclement and now, he’s also wet, which makes him colder.

“What should we do? Wait it out? Try to get a cab?”

“We’re not gonna find a cab with this weather and on a Sunday… maybe we should just accept our fates and walk under the rain.” He’s feeling gloomy and his voice is showing it. Tadashi just laughs at him.

“You’re so dramatic Tsuki! It’s just water. And you know what they say! Water means life!” Tsukishima furrows his brow and scrunches his nose.

“Who says that?” he asks, contempt on every word.

“I dunno… scientists?” and he’s looking at him barely containing the laughter. Tsukishima finds that he also has to fight a smile and then laughter of his own when Tadashi finally cracks up.

Still laughing, Tadashi grabs him by the hand and takes them both out of their hiding spot, to stand behind the rain.

“It’s not so bad isn’t it? Can’t you feel the life getting inside you?” he says, closing his eyes so water doesn’t get to him.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works” he answers, hugging himself because the wind is freezing, and squinting his eyes because he’s glasses are useless now, but still smiling.

“I think maybe we should just run as fast as we can.”

“Sure, why not?” and the next thing he know he’s being dragged from the hand towards Tadashi’s apartment, about 8 blocks away.

By the time they get to the apartment they’re drenched. Tsukishima can actually feel the water inside his shoes, making squealchy noises that make him frown in disgust every step he takes. Yamaguchi is trembling just as much as him now, obviously cold. Running in the rain had been fun for about 5 minutes until it became extremely uncomfortable.

“Stay here, I’ll bring some towels” says Yamaguchi once they’ve opened the door, and then takes his coat and shoes and socks off and sprints to the bedroom. Tsukishima takes his shoes off too and enters the apartment. He starts to take off his soaked hoodie, and his socks as well. He thinks a bit before deciding to take his shirt off too, just as Yamaguchi gets back with more towels than needed and he stops on his tracks, suddenly embarrassed.

“that’s a good idea, let’s just throw all of these in the washing machine and get a warm shower so we don’t catch anything.” He says before attempting to take his hoodie and shirt all in one… and getting stuck. “Fuck” he says, as he tries to shimmy his way out of it and almost falls back. Tsukishima hopes the smile can’t be heard on his voice when he says

“Don’t move” and reaches out to pull the mess of wet hoodie and shirt off. When he does, he realises his head is just hovering over Tadashi’s, way too close. Tadashi seems to have noticed this too, because he’s blushing and adverts his gaze. Then, he mumbles

“You should take this one too” and still not looking directly at him, he tugs up the edge of Kei´s shirt. Feeling a little stupid and worryingly _excited_ Tsuki just extends his arms up, to make it easier for him. Then he goes for his sweatpants and Tsuki feels like he might faint and also hopes his dark briefs and the lack of light in the corridor aides him in hiding his growing boner. To distract from it and because he really wants to, he reaches to pull Yamaguchi’s sweatpants too. He tries to act like it’s no big deal, just like how Tadashi is doing it, but he takes his time, because he wants to enjoy it, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get to do it again. They both step out of their pants and Tadashi grabs all of their clothes while saying “I’ll put this in the washing machine, go ahead to the shower. “

Tsuki obeys trying to calm himself. This is normal right? Like, not for everyone but for them… is this normal? He feels like something in Tadashi’s eyes has diverted from “hi Tsuki!” to, “well, hey there”.

He turns on the shower and waits for it to warm up, when he hears Tadashi say in a tone, he isn’t sure he has ever heard from him

“Are you gonna shower with your boxers on?” Tsukishima doesn’t turn around while he takes his underwear off, with the sneaky suspicion that the movement he senses behind him is Tadashi doing the same. Are they going to… shower together? He figures as much when he spots from the periphery of his eye Tadashi turning the shower off and the faucet on, to fill the tub.

He gets into the bathtub, that’s still not full, giving his back to Yamaguchi, and then keeps looking everywhere but him while he gets in too. He brings his legs to his chest, trying to cover his cock which is now resting next to his stomach, almost completely hard. He’s so fucked.

“aaaaah, we haven’t showered together in forever, have we Tsuki?” and he looks at him, still using that weird tone he can’t decipher. Then he suddenly starts laughing and reaches for his face with his hands and Tsuki freezes in place. But Tadashi only grabs his glasses, the ones that he forgot he was wearing. “Tsuki, you forgot to take this off.” He laughs, while setting them aside.

He tries to think of a witty response, but his head is empty. Is he… flirting? Is this how he flirts with men? Because he seems to be really fucking good at it. Maybe that’s why he had like a hundred boyfriends in the last years.

He has pictured this scene many times in his head. Well, maybe not this exact scene, but certainly similar ones, both of them in the shower, naked, aroused. Rarely ever is Tadashi the one being so…forthcoming, but they’re all situations where doing something just comes naturally. But he finds that even if he is aroused and would obviously really like for something to happen… he’s actually also terrified. He’s borderline blocked and can’t make himself look at Yamaguchi or answer his flirting with more flirting or at least a rejection. He just seats in the tub as it fills, looking at the wall in front of him.

“this is much better than the rain!” Yamaguchi says, and stretches his arms on the edge of the tub, one of it behind Tsuki’s back. Then he lets out a satisfied moan that makes Tsuki heat up rapidly. “Tsuki are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Kei forces himself to look at Yamaguchi, hoping to be able to answer something to put him at ease but finds that their heads are extremely close. Where they always this close? Tadashi is looking at him like he looks at very delicious cake and Tsuki feels increasingly more _excited_ and terrified. He quickly looks away and Tadashi laughs a bit and adds

“Okay… Like I was saying, I don’t think we have done this since Karasuno days! God it was hard to watch you naked and pretend I didn’t care. Specially since you were so obviously… gifted.”

Fuck!!! What is he supposed to say???

“You weren’t half bad.” Is apparently the only answer he can think of, and it comes out of his mouth in a sultry tone he wasn’t planning. What is he doing?

“Oh, I didn’t know you were looking! Well, of course I didn’t even know you were gay at the time… Now that I think of it, you never liked any of our teammates? I don’t mean like like, just like, felt attracted to. Maybe Asahi? He was quite fine, he still is…”

“Of course not” he blurts out. He almost feels offended at the notion.

“really? Maybe he was too much of a bear for you… did you like them smaller? Maybe like Noya?” he’s teasing, he knows that, and he should probably not even dignify it with an answer, but he still says

“god no! What are you going to say next, Hinata? Because I would rather become a eunuch.”

Tadashi lets out a melodic laugh.

“I’m just trying to figure out what’s your type.” Bullshit.

“You know what’s my type, you’ve met every person I’ve dated.” Which is also bullshit since he didn’t really feel attracted to any of them.

“But they were all so different! The only thing they had in common was their personalities, and that wasn’t great. I’m talking about the type of people who you feel physically attracted to!”

“I don’t care about that stuff” he says, but he knows that’s just making it easy for Tadashi.

“really? So it’s because of my nerdy and dinosaur loving personality that you are hard right now?”

FUCK.

He freezes. He has no idea what to say.

“It’s okay. I’m hard too. If there was only something we could do about it…”

Tsukishima can’t believe his ears. But also, he’s dying to know, is he really hard right now? From talking to him? From seeing him naked? He turns around to look before realising it’s a bad idea, and finds Tadashi was waiting for him to do that, to press his open mouth to Kei’s. There’s a second of unadulterated bliss, when their lips meet and the excitement flutters inside Kei’s stomach and he feels like he will burst into confetti but he’s also floating in a cloud made of sugar… and then he feels his entire body go stiff and a fear that runs so deep that he goes cold inside. An image goes through his mind like a lightning and it scares him so much that before he knows it, he’s desperately moving away, splashing water everywhere. Tadashi looks surprised and confused as Tsuki stands up and gets out of the bathtub as quickly as he can.

“Tsuki, are you alright?? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I just thought. . . I’ve been so tense and I thought we could blow off some steam and you obviously seemed interested and. . .” he sounds embarrassed and worried and Tsukishima feels guilty about it but he mostly feels his gut telling him to run.

He has wrapped himself in a towel and turns to look at Tadashi, terrified of the words that are about to leave his mouth.

“I can’t do it. I can’t just… blow off some steam with you. I can’t I’m sorry I just. . . I can’t.” he’s trembling and his voice is cracking and he sounds as sad and terrified as he feels and he can’t find the words to explain himself so he just looks one more time at Yamaguchi, who is still sitting in the bathtub, looking extremely confused and worried and he adds an “I’m sorry” before leaving the bathroom.

He walks to the bedroom and grabs his bag of clothing. He throws some on, just the first ones he can find, and stuffs his other items in his bag and runs for the door. In the bathroom door he founds Yamaguchi, hastily exiting it, with a towel wrapped around his hips, but doesn’t even look at him when he says

“Wait, where are you going?? Are you leaving?? Tsuki, it’s pouring outside. Tsuki, please, I’m so sorry, let’s just talk.” He sounds even more worried, but Tsukishima can feel the tears stinging his eyes and he feels like he’s suffocating. He grabs his shoes, socks and his coat and leaves, closing the door just in time for the tears to start streaming down his face. He keeps moving, taking the stairs so he can’t run into anyone. His shoes are so wet they drip water, but he puts them on anyways, and steps out into the pouring rain. He knows he can’t get a taxi with this weather, so he goes for the train station they passed on their way back there. He’ll get on the first train that appears and then figure out how to get home. By the time he’s two blocks away his phone starts to ring. He doesn’t take it out until he’s at the train station.

He types out a simple text message, ignoring the incoming ones.

“I’m sorry I left like that. We’re ok. I just couldn’t stay.”

He doesn’t want Tadashi to worry, which is kinda pointless considering the circumstances but at least this way he will know he isn’t mad or anything. He doesn’t want him to be sad, especially if it’s his fault, but he also couldn’t physically stay. He hopes Tadashi understands. He puts the phone in his pocket as it starts ringing again and gets into the almost empty train that has just arrived. He’s still crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I really hope you enjoyed this!  
> I actually kinda struggled with this chapter, because keeping Tsuki in character is pretty hard, especially since it's been many years and he has changed, and he's also at a very transitional time in his life. He's really going through it. But I'm happy with the end result and I hope you are too!  
> Also, I already finished chapter 4 and I'm halfway trhough chapter 5, so i'll be posting those in the next few days.  
> If you liked this and would like to leave Kudos and a kind comment, I would really appreciate it!  
> ALSO, thanks to my lovely beta @Millie_Jean who's the best of the bestest. Luv u so much.   
> See ya!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “so, what you’re telling me is… the love of your life, as in, the man you’ve loved since you were children, tried to seduce you, after spending several days together, sleeping in each other’s arms and vowing to be by each other’s side forever, and you interpreted this as him telling you he doesn’t love you anymore?”   
> Yamaguchi sneezed so much that afternoon that he thought he might have developed allergies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This chapter was really hard to write x´D Hope you like it :3

He’s still crying when he gets home. Ever since they kissed there’s only one thing on his mind and it’s this image, this notion of them, in bed, together, for the first time and after all this years of longing and for some reason it hurts him so bad he has trouble breathing. It hurts him before he even understands why, but on the train ride he realises the reason behind it. He’s been assuming it for years and telling himself this is the case but now he’s absolutely certain. Tadashi doesn’t love him anymore. Anything that was left of that infatuation he had with him when they were kids has vanished or turned into a Platonical kind of love that equals friendship, and in the best-case scenario, an occasional fuck. And he always suspected it and told himself this was what he should expect but it’s different when you know it. He began to suspect that he was right about it when Tadashi started talking about his crush with him, casually, like it was ages ago, always in the past tense, but he confirmed it today, in the bathtub. Because Tadashi would never try to have some casual consolation sex, to “blow off some steam” with him if he felt anything other than trust and some mild attraction.

He can’t believe that was their first and probably only ever kiss. He can’t believe he fucked this up so much. He can’t believe it took him so long to accept what everyone else knew before him. That Tadashi was his best chance at happiness. And now he’s completely blown it. What is he going to say now? Lie and pretend he just didn’t want to? Because he did, and it was obvious, and if he hadn’t wanted to for any reason, he could have just said no instead of running away like that. That wasn’t the problem. But he outed his feelings and now he’s going to have to confess the truth and nothing will be like it was again.

Fuck. It hurts so fucking much. He didn’t think he still had hope of something more than friendship ever happening between them but now he not only knows for sure that was true, but he also blew up that option.

He gets to his apartment and takes off all his wet clothes and leaves them next to the door, before absent-mindedly walking to his room and climbing into bed and crying silently until he can’t no more, and then sleeping until there’s no more rain but also no more sun. His phone stopped ringing at some point before he fell asleep and he doesn’t know if it is because Tadashi stopped calling or because he ran out of battery, but he doesn’t want to find out. So he walks to the living room and uses the computer there to send an email to the only person he can talk about this with. It reads.

“We almost fucked but I couldn’t do it and I think I outed my feelings for him. Then I run out of the house in the rain, so I definitely outed my feelings for him. I can’t fucking stop crying. I hate it.

Can you please come?”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Kento was the first guy he ever dated, at the young age of 18 years old. And it was a disaster. He felt more attracted to his headphones (last model, very well taken care of, pretty and muted colour) that he felt towards him but he still kept it on for about 6 months, which was actually not that hard to do since they saw each other once every other week, on a public space, for no more than a couple hours.

His reasoning behind dating him was that they were supposed to be perfectly compatible. They had the same interests and same worldview, similar age and taste in music, they lived close enough and were going to go to the same university. That’s how he had met him, actually, during a tour of the university he was going to. They had talked about palaeontology for hours and after discovering they were both gay, they had decided it was only logical to date each other.

Their first date had been to the Sendai city museum and they had had a great time. In retrospect, he realised that he would have had an equally enjoyable time had he gone by himself, but 18 years old Tsukishima would have never admitted to it.

Probably the only reason he had suddenly become interested in dating was because a boy from school had had the _audacity_ to declare his love for Tadashi just before graduation day, and they were now dating. He had told himself it was simply because now he would need someone else to spend time with during the summer, since Tadashi would be occupied with his new boyfriend, which was an entirely rational cause of action and completely unrelated to the irrational feeling that jealousy was, which he was not feeling. At all.

In the end they still spent most of their time together, since Eiji had a summer job anyways, and according to Tadashi, he didn’t seem to be as interested in him as he was interested in having a new, taller boyfriend, to make his ex feel sorry for leaving him. So he found he didn’t have as much free time as he had expected to have and therefore, couldn’t see Kento as often, which he didn’t seem to mind much either.

When he met with Kento for the tenth time maybe in six months they decided it was best to split up, since they were both too busy to be bothered with dating.

But then when he started college, they found out they shared a lot of the classes and began seating next to each other and doing the group assignments together and before they knew it, they were friends. When he finally met Yamaguchi, on a weekend visit during his first year, after Tadashi had left the first thing that came out of Kento’s mouth was

“So, how long have you been in love with him?”

He then became the only person he ever talked with about Yamaguchi stuff , and also his most fervent fan, though fan was maybe a word that didn’t really apply to someone like Kento, more like he objectively and rationally strongly believed that they were a good match and should be together to escape the loneliness of existence. In that way he was quite a romantic, like a pragmatic romantic, saying human beings were not made to be alone and that you should try and find people to be with and be happy even if it’s unlikely to last for longer than 5 to 10 years, because that means 5 to 10 years of happiness at least. He had been telling him this for years, and that Tadashi was that person for him, to which Tsukishima always answered that it was impossible, and to which Kento always fired back with “he loves you, you love him, you get along great, what more do you need?” that always led to the same discussion of “he doesn’t love me anymore” and “of course he does”, that could last for hours.

When he had finally admitted to Kento that he was right all along, a couple months back, Kento had insisted he declared to Yamaguchi.

“He still loves you! It’s obvious he does! Just tell him. How much longer do you plan on waiting to allow yourself to be happy?”

But he was wrong and oh, Tsukishima really wished he hadn´t been. Tadashi didn’t love him as anything more than friends, which was still more than he deserved, and he had to figure out a way to get over it and fix the mess he had made.

Kento swiftly answers to his email and in the span of an hour he’s at his door, a pack of bears in hand.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, I’m still hungover from last night” says Tsuki when he sees them.

“They’re not for you, they’re for me, I need something to drink while I listen to this shitshow”, is Kento’s sour answer that somehow has Tsukishima smiling a bit. They haven’t seen each other in some time now, and he does enjoy his sense of humour.

“so, tell me exactly what happened, without adding any of your stupid conclusions since you’re clearly unable to think straight when it comes to him”

And he does, he describes the events of the past few days, adding as much detail as he can remember and answering questions when Kento isn’t satisfied with the information.

“so, what you’re telling me is… the love of your life, as in, the man you’ve loved since you were children, tried to seduce you, after spending several days together, sleeping in each other’s arms and vowing to be by each other’s side forever, and you interpreted this as him telling you he doesn’t love you anymore?” he’s wearing his usual poker face, which makes Tsukishima even more annoyed.

“That’s a tendentious way to interpret the events. I know him better than you and I _know_ he wouldn’t have offered that kind of casual sex if he had any interest in me romantically…”

“oh, so he waits months before sleeping with the people he dates? He never does casual sex with people he likes?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know, sometimes yes and sometimes no, that’s not the point!”

“Then what is the point? You don’t know what goes on inside his head! You’re not a mind reader! You can either ask and hopes he tells you the truth, which he seems to always do, or make assumptions, risking being mistaken which, you usually are.”

“What are you trying to get to?”

“You should talk to him that’s what I’m saying! Just talk to him! Tell him how you feel-“

“He already knows, it’s obvious!”

“No its not! What’s obvious is that you’re insane! And I’m pretty sure he already knew that. He’s probably really confused right now and worried, precisely because he doesn’t know what goes on inside your head either!”

There’s a silence, where Tsukishima tries to find something to debunk what Kento’s saying, until he remembers the other aspect of the problem, that has been clouding his thoughts with guilt.

“He was left by his almost 4 yearlong boyfriend 3 days ago… it’s not the time to tell him this. . . he needs me to be his friend, not another source of drama.”

“Yeah, well… that part you did fucked up, cause there is no way out of this clusterfuck without an explanation”

“That’s what I’m saying, but I think I shoul-“

“Should what? Lie to him? Make up a lie and make him believe you don’t even feel attracted to him or some bullshit like that? Basically, the same thing you’ve been doing this whole time that you so deeply regret.”

He knows Kento is right, he had arrived at the same conclusion by himself earlier: he’s gonna have to come clean. But the excuses keep popping out of his mouth, and even though he knows it doesn’t really matter if they’re actually valid reasons, because he still has no better choice than confessing the truth, he finds that he needs to voice them anyways.

“It’s not fair to him to throw this on him right now!”

“Well of course it’s not. Life’s not fair.”

“What if he doesn’t want to see me again?”

“come on, what are the chances of a guy like him saying that? Isn’t he friends with every single douchey ex?”

“what am I supposed to say then? Hey, remember the other day when I ran away from your house because I didn’t want to fuck you? Well, it actually was because I’ve loved you for the past 15 years. Anyways, don’t worry about it, let’s just stay friends.”

“mmm yeah, something like that. Tho you may want to leave it a little bit less structure, in case he wants to reply, you know, like and actual conversation, or in case he says something to you that you don’t expect, like, I love you too, let’s get married.”

“he’s not gonna say that.”

“He might”

“he just ended a long-term relationship 3 days ago.”

“Completely irrelevant”

“How could it be???”

Tsukishima’s phone starts ringing from the bedroom. Clearly, it hadn’t run out of battery.

Kento gives him a look that says “if you don’t answer I will”, before chugging an entire beer, so he goes to pick up his phone. To his surprise, it’s Kageyama.

“hi?”

“hey, **boke** , talk to Yamaguchi. _Please_ ” he sounds tired and angry, and out of patience.

“What?!” If only he knew why.

“he’s been on the phone with Hinata for hours now! You have any idea what time it is in here??”

“I-no, where are you? What are they talking about? Is he mad?’”

“NO, YOU… **boke** , he’s WORRIED TO DEATH because you STORMED OUT OF HIS APARTMENT **without** **an explanation** and now you WON’T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.” Tsukishima has to pull the phone a little away from his ear because of how loud Kageyama is being. He hears a long sigh. “Can you please just _talk to him_? I really need to sleep. He woke us up at **five** ”

“I.. yeah, I’ll text him.” He says awkwardly. If there’s anything worse than being scolded by Kageyama is knowing he’s on the wright.

“No, **CALL HIM** ”. And then there’s a click that indicates he hung up.

“So… the good news is he’s not mad” he says when he gets back to the living room where Kento is chugging his last beer.

“Of course he’s not fucking mad!”

“I think I’m gonna call him.”

“Yeah, that’s a bright idea. Did you think of it all by yourself??”

He ignores Kento and sits at the couch. He looks at his phone and realises his hands are shaking a bit. Kento sighs deeply and then places a hand on Tsukishima’s arm, steadying it.

“Just tell him you want to talk. In person. Tomorrow maybe. That’s all you need to say.”

He forces himself to breath.

“Okay. Okay. Okay, I’ll do it.”

He goes to his lost calls and presses call back on the last number that called him. There must be at least 10 missing calls there.

The phone rings for 20 anguishing seconds until a distressed Yamaguchi answers.

“Tsuki?? Is it you?? You didn’t butt dial on me, did you?” He sounds really nervous.

“No, I… no, it’s me.” The words come out of his throat raspy and unsure.

“Oh, thank god. I was so worried I thought maybe you had gotten in an accident or something, it was raining so hard…”

He feels a strong jab of guilt. He should have at least texted him he was home.

“I’m sorry” he manages to say.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that today I’m so sorry, I misread the situation, I should have asked you first, I-“ he’s rambling nervously now, and Tsukishima can’t let him go on.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” His voice sounds steady now, he finds out surprised. “You didn’t misread the situation. You have nothing to be sorry about.” He sounds more and more sure with every word, even if he feels like he’s drowning inside, he can’t let Yamaguchi think it’s his fault.

There’s silence across the line for a moment and then…

“Then… what happened? You looked so sad. . . and scared. Tsuki, please tell me, what’s going on? I need to know you’re okay.”

Another jab of guilt, this time so strong he has to close his eyes to keep focus.

“I’m… I’ll be okay. But we should talk this in person. Tomorrow. Let’s meet to talk ok? At 11 am? My place?”

“okay…” He sounds hurt, probably because he’s refusing to tell him what’s going on, but he doesn’t know what else to do. Kento is right, he can’t have this conversation over the phone. But he does add

“And I meant what I said in the text. We’re okay. Okay?” his voice cracks up at the question, and he can feel his momentary coolness melting away.

“yea, okay. I’ll meet you there tomorrow.” He sounds resigned, and sad, but he can’t think of anything else to say to put him at ease.

“okay” and then he hangs up. He takes a deep breath and then notices he must’ve began crying at some point, because there are tears silently streaming down his face.

“well… that could have gone worse” is Kento’s reassuring comment.

“Yeah, I guess” he says, before collapsing on the couch, not even attempting to wipe away the tears.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

He gets up long before the alarm and panics when he realises he has nothing to offer to Yamaguchi for when he comes, even if he specifically chose 11 am because it’s not breakfast time or lunch time either. So he decides to make cookies with the stuff he has in his very well equipped pantry. When he’s finally placed them in the oven, he realises he hasn’t clean anything (because he hadn’t even been there) in the last week so he goes on a frantic cleaning spree around the apartment and when he’s finished with that he notices he’s all sweaty and should probably take a shower.

Kento left last night saying he should not think much about it and just talk with him, without hiding or lying. But he feels like half or more of his personality is hiding how he feels and what he thinks so how is he supposed to do that? Also, what kind of thing do you wear for a situation like that? Is he supposed to dress up, or maybe look as dishevelled as possible to work as proof that he is truly feeling like shit?

He ends up going for dressing normal, maybe with a little more care than usual. He’s wearing a pair of black jeans he wears all the time, and a musky green thin turtleneck sweater Yamaguchi once complemented the colour of, because the apartment is quite cold, but he won’t turn on the heaters unless it goes under 15 degrees, as a rule. He looks a bit too formal, but he always does, probably has nothing to do with his clothes and everything to do with his glasses and his frown, he thinks while looking in the mirror. He tries smiling but it looks worse, so he stops. He gives up and goes to the living room to wait for Tadashi. It’s still just 10:40.

He sits nervously on the couch for a couple of minutes before deciding to go wait for him downstairs because the bell doesn’t work that well (actually it didn’t work just once and it was probably just that he didn’t hear it with his headphones on). When he’s stepping out of the elevator, while putting on his parka because it keeps raining outside, he see’s a figure he’d recognize anywhere. Tadashi is waiting, his back against the glass doors of the building, holding an umbrella over his head. His heart skips a bit. How long was he in there?

He hurries to open the door, which startles Tadashi that takes out his phone to look at the time.

“What are you doing out in the rain? You should have ringed the door or texted” he says, pushing him inside.

“I just… it’s not 11 yet. Why are you here?”

“I came down to wait for you, in case the doorbell didn’t work.”

“oh. Well I left my place early in case there was a problem with the train”

He nods because he doesn’t know what to answer to this and they both get in the elevator. Luckily is a really short ride to the fifth floor where he lives, because the silence is deafening.

“Do you want anything to drink? I can make some tea or coffee. I made chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies this morning, they’re still warm.” He enters the apartment heading straight for the kitchen. He can already feel a knot in his stomach beginning to form. He hears Yamaguchi fussing behind him.

“Yeah, sure. Sounds nice.” He replies from the living room, sounding aloof, and not really answering his question either. Because he feels like tea goes better with the cookies, and he doesn’t really like coffee, he puts the electric kettle on and takes a minute to breath himself into calmness. He hears soft steps behind him and Tadashi speaking, very quietly.

“I love that sweater.” He still sounds far away, like he’s on automatic.

“Thanks.” He breaths one more time and turns around to find him looking very worried, leaning on the door frame of the kitchen his entire face scrunched in concern. He figures this is as good a moment as any “So… we should talk. About yesterday.” He doesn’t really know where to go from there, so he stops, but Tadashi just looks at him, waiting for more. “I… Well, clearly, I didn’t react all that well to umm… the situation.”

“to me trying to kiss you” Tadashi offers, looking at his feet, embarrassed.

“Well, yes, but it wasn’t that… Because I wanted you to do that, I really wanted. I’ve… actually wanted you to do that and to be with you for a really long time now. . . “he can see Tadashi connecting the dots in his head and his face turning into one of understanding, so he takes a deep breath and hurries to finish before he says anything. “Because I’ve been in love with you, for a really long time. 13 years, probably more, I just…realised it 13 years ago. And yesterday when you… I realised that that was the closest thing I would ever get to it… just being friends and maybe occasionally fucking and I… I reacted very badly to it. _Obviously._ And I know that this is something that you probably don’t want to deal with right now, you’ve just been through a break up and I was supposed to be there to make you feel better, not to just throw all of this drama to you, and I really didn’t plan on telling you because I know it’s like… way too late to be having this conversation, like, years late and I’m so, so, so sorry…” he trails off when he finally runs out of air, and making a supreme effort he looks at Tadashi in the eyes, terrified of what he’ll find. 

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

The kettle goes off, and Tsukishima turns around, grateful for the excuse to pause the conversation, to pour the boiling water in the teapot that already has the tealeaves in it, and close it to let it steep. He can feel his heart racing and he can’t get out Yamaguchi’s face of extreme confusion out of his head, so he focuses at the task in hand. He places the teapot and two small cups on a tray with a plate of cookies he kept in the oven so that they would still be warm and heads to the living room, Tadashi awkwardly following him.

They sit at the floor, instead of the couch, how they have done many times, so that they can be at the same level of the coffee table, using the sturdy carpet as a tatami of sorts.

“I don’t understand Tsuki” is what finally comes out of Yamaguchi’s mouth after several minutes of silence. “The other day you said you knew… you knew I had a crush on you.” He looks at him and there’s something that looks like pain in his eyes and Kei feels like he’s drowning in guilt.

“I did. I noticed you probably felt that way, when we were still first years at Karasuno and after that… I realised that I did too. And I didn’t say anything.” He thinks back to it and how impossible it had felt for him to say the thing he had just said, a few minutes ago. Now, after all the build-up, it just feels like something that happened, and therefore, wasn’t impossible at all.

“I thought you never… Why didn’t you?”

“I thought that it wasn’t a good idea… or some bullshit like that. I think I was just scared. Terrified. That it wouldn’t work out. That I wouldn’t be good enough for you. That I would lose you. I was always a coward like that you know. It took me all these years to admit to myself that maybe I was wrong, and we weren’t “incompatible”, whatever that means. And now…” he looks at Yamaguchi and he doesn’t even know how he feels, except that he might throw up if he doesn’t get a definitive answer from him. But Tadashi’s face gives him nothing, still tainted with confusion and fear and hurt. “now I guess it’s too late. I’m too late.” He says, softly, fighting off the tears accumulating in his already abused tear ducts.

Tadashi extends a hand to carefully wipe away the one tear that escaped Kei’s control, and is rebelliously streaming down his cheek. He feels like he melts and also freezes at the touch.

“I’m sorry Tsuki. I really don’t know what to say.” His voice is also soft.

“That you don’t hate me. That we’ll still be friends even if I’m this stupid and selfish. That you’ll forgive me.” He says, something breaking inside him as he almost pleads for Tadashi’s forgiveness.

Tadashi looks at him adding surprise to the list of emotions that his face is demonstrating and pulls him in for a big hug.

“Of course we’re still friends! And I don’t need to forgive anything, you didn’t do anything wrong!” he says in his ear, clearly on the verge of crying.

“That’s not true” Tsukishima insists, “You know that’s not true. You’re always so good to me. You were always there for me. Even when I was being an ass, and it was way too often. And I-“

“You were always there too. You can’t control your emotions. I can’t be mad at you for… what you feel about me.” Tsukishima feels a strong jab of pain from Tadashi’s clear inability to say the words but still hugs him tighter. In the scheme of things, this was probably the best outcome he could expect, and he feels thankful. Mostly sad and frustrated at himself, but also thankful.

“You could be mad at me for not telling you while you obviously still felt the same.” He says, in a joking tone that comes out weird, when they separate from the hug.

“Mmm, you’re right, and I do feel a bit upset about that.” Yamaguchi answers, making an effort to joke around too. It quickly goes to waste because his face is serious again when he says “I was so sure you would never ever ever reciprocate… I can’t believe there was a moment, so many moments in which we could’ve…”

“I know. But It’s best not to dwell on it too much. It’s easy to get stuck in it. I know I have.” He says, trying to put on a brave face, and also give some kind of closure at their conversation. He doesn’t think he can keep crying much more without getting dehydrated.

“I’m sorry Tsuki… I feel like I’m letting you down somehow…” he seems sad again, apologetic.

“That’s ridiculous. If I didn’t do anything wrong, then you definitely didn’t do anything remotely reproachable. I understand that… you don’t love me anymore and that’s okay. It’s been 20 years, I didn’t really expect you to feel the same now as when we were kids, and then teens… It was just hard to know it for sure.” Even if he is still feeling like there’s something pulling down on him from his stomach, he also feels a little bit better now that everything is cleared up.

“Well, I … I didn’t say I don’t… love you” he shoots up his yes and founds Yamaguchi staring at the carpet. What was he saying? “it’s just that it’s been so long… I was so sure it would never happen… Of course, I don’ feel the same way I did when we were kids, but I didn’t ever feel that way with anyone else ever again. And with all the time that has gone by… I know I’m not _in love_ like I used to be, but... I’m sorry, I know this must be really confusing for you, but I’m feeling really confused too because I don’t think” he stops and looks up at Tsukishima, like he’s searching for something in his face. “I don’t think I can say I don’t love you without feeling like I’m lying but also I can’t really… I can’t really give you more than that.” There’re tears accumulating in the corners of his eyes. “I know this sounds silly but can you… can you wait for me?”

Tsukishima’s mouth feels incredibly dry as he asks

“What?” and it sounds so low and raspy he has to clear his voice and ask again,” I don’t understand…” he doesn’t allow himself to feel hope just yet, even if rationally he should be feeling hopeful he still is unsure of the meaning of Tadashi’s words.

“I haven’t thought about the _possibility_ of being with you since I was, I don’t know, 16 years old! And now, after everything that has happened… I think I just need some time to think about it. And it’s not like I’m asking you to put your life on hold or anything like that because I could never… but I’m asking you to give me more time because I can’t give you an answer right now.”

“I don’t think I know what that means? Do we just not talk until… because I really don’t want to-“

“no, no, I don’t want that either, I don’t think I could take it. Maybe we just… go back to how we were and I promise I will eventually tell you how I feel and if by then you feel differently you’ll tell me too.” He looks at him with hope in his eyes and Tsukishima already knows that even if he didn’t want to, he couldn’t say no to him. “How does that sound to you? You think we can go back to being normal, what that means to us at least, even for a bit? Is it something you want?” It is. He does.  
“Yes! I do. I… really think that’s a good idea.”

“okay.”

“okay.”

“now I’m gonna have a cookie because they look really good.” He says, smiling awkwardly. Tsukishima smiles back.

“Yeah, they’re great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, they TALKED. Finally. It was a really hard to write it cause I had no idea where it was going, and it gave me anxiety xD  
> I really hope you enjoyed it! If you did and would like to leave a kudo and a kind comment, it would make me really happy!  
> Also, there’s something I feel the need to clarify regarding the tub scene... It was kinda hard to write because I wanted it to be clear that even if we are in Tsuki’s head and we know he’s feeling contradictory feelings regarding Tadashi flirting with him, from Tadashi’s perspective, because he isn’t inside his head, Tsuki’s actually flirting back at times, and acting bashful and shy the rest of the time, which he takes as encouragement. Because of the nature of their relationship and Tsukishima’s personality in general he just assumes that if he wanted him to stop his advances he would just say so. Which he does, eventually. Nonetheless, the brief kiss they share is on the realm of dubious consent, since there’s no spoken consent on Tsukishima’s part but he doesn’t really experiment it as a forceful or abusive situation as much as a miscommunication problem. He also was planning on going along with it, meaning, consenting it, before he realised he actually didn’t want to, and consequently left. Tadashi then thinks the kiss was in fact, non-consensual, and therefore apologizes for it, as he should, stating that he should have asked first, which he probably should’ve.   
> I thought about making Tadashi ask him if he could kiss him, to eliminate all of this confusing situation and having to write this, but I honestly believe that he just going for a kiss was the more realistic thing to have happened. I think it’s important to acknowledge, even as we’re writing fiction, (or more like fanfiction hehe) that there are grey areas on matters such as consent that we encounter in everyday life, and they’re things we are still discussing and figuring out as society. Maybe in the future this situation will no longer be considered dubious consent and there will be another word for it, or maybe it will remain as it is.   
> Nevertheless, this is something I wanted to get out of my chest, since it’s been going around my head for a couple of days now, and I didn’t want it to be misinterpreted like I didn’t notice or acknowledge the situation. These subjects are tricky to handle and can be triggering for people who have had similar experiences and lived them as traumatic or generally unpleasant.  
> I know it may seem like a lot of explanation and analysis over just a one second tiny kiss, but it felt important to say.  
> ANYWAYS, last but not least, THANK YOU to my amazing beta, without whom i would not be making any of this! Luv u so much :3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what, you didn’t even kiss? Not even after you confessed??” asked Shouyo, shouting from far away so the phone would still pick up his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! _life happened_ , and it took a lot longer than I had expected to finish this fic!!! Also, the fic itself got very long too. If you noticed there's /7 chapters now that’s because chapter 5 was just so insanely long (like, it was longer than the four previous chapters all together) I had to split it in chapter 5 and 6 and an epilogue (the only part I haven't finished writing yet) that has all the fluff and the smut that I felt was completely necessary to finish this story. I will be posting both 5 and 6 right now, 7 will come eventually.  
> (also, I usually edit 4 to 5 times but because of the length of this I was able to read it in its entirety like 3 times tops, so it might have some errors, but oh well.)  
> Anyways, enjoy!

When he was a kid, his parents took him to see a “doctor of the mind” (he realizes now that it was a psychologist but he still remembers it how his parents referred to it at the time), because they were worried that he didn’t seem interested in talking with any of the kids his age he met, either at kindergarten nor the neighbourhood playground, or their friends kids. At home he interacted with his family and his brother just fine, if a little moody, but whenever he encountered other people, he became taciturn and evasive, sometimes even aggressive.

He remembers meeting the man in the city office they had driven an hour to get to, and thinking he didn’t like him, which is what he thought of most people as a default, even to this day. But after one hour talking and playing with him, he began thinking maybe he wasn’t so bad. He talked to him seriously and listened to what he said, and he liked that. He didn’t like being babied. He never knew what the man told his parents but after that they back off, stopped asking every day if he had made a new friend, and didn’t scold him for not talking to the other kids in the playground or at family parties, so clearly he had thought whatever was wrong with him (because he did think something was probably wrong with him) wasn’t too serious, or not serious enough to do something about it.

Many years later when he finally acknowledged that he might need some therapy after all, his psychologist had told him that his terrible personality was probably a bad mix of him just being an ass by default (something he figured came from bad genetic lottery), a mild social anxiety disorder, and the usual childhood trauma everyone has. Also, the situation with Akiteru hadn’t really helped.

Tsukishima was grateful for that man that wore funny printed ties, even if he didn’t know for sure if he had made the same assessment, simply because he had actually listened to him. And it had made his parents listen to him too.

In retrospect, he didn’t think that there was anything more his parents could have done to make it better, not with the tools they had themselves at least. They were loving parents and they handled his son bad temper the best they could. More than anything, they never made a big deal out of it, like he had seen other parents do about even minor stuff. If he was being particularly rude, they scolded him, telling him he shouldn’t treat people in a way he wouldn’t want to be treated himself, but otherwise they respected his boundaries in terms of how much he decided to interact with others. And even if in his pre-teen and teen years he had developed a tendency to be rather confrontational, with nasty attitudes he didn’t feel so proud of, they had implanted in him the seed of empathy and compassion. They were good people, like Yamaguchi liked saying, and they behaved like so, and with time, Tsukishima found out that he was more like them than what he thought he was. Or at least that he wanted to be.

But even taking all of this in consideration, even acknowledging that he wasn’t as bad and mean as he thought he was when he was younger, and that he could even be nice and supportive from time to time, he was still surprised he had winded up forming such strong emotional relationships with people other than his family.

Yamaguchi was the biggest shock, of course, but he felt like it didn’t really count, because it wasn’t on him. That was all Tadashi’s doing, and thank god for it. But the rest of the people in his life, Kento, his friends from Karasuno and the other teams, and even the co-worker he got along so well with that he had even agreed upon babysitting his children sometime the next month, all of those were relationships he felt proud of, especially because they were things that he had thought, at some point (or more like several points) in his life, that he would never be able to accomplish, or sustain. And because it hadn’t been precisely easy, because he had had to actually work on it, on himself, to be able to do it, he felt like they mattered even more than if they had been something that came natural to him.

This was what was going through his mind while talking on the phone with Kageyama and Hinata (it was impossible to talk with just one if they were on the same physical space, because they always ended up putting the call on speaker phone so they wouldn’t have to repeat later what the conversation had been about). They were currently in Brazil, on a sort of holiday-work trip, evaluating their options, since it was close to time to decide in which club/team they wanted to retire. Hinata felt Brazil close to his heart, but it was also inconvenient, since it was really far away from Japan. Even if the pair hadn’t exactly lived there for a really long time, it still was the place they called home.

“So what, you didn’t even kiss? Not even after you confessed??” asked Shouyo, shouting from far away so the phone would still pick up his voice. Tsukishima took a deep breath and tried to remind himself once more, that he was proud and grateful to have these relationships in his life.

What was supposed to be a really easy, short, practical call, to find out when they were coming back to Japan, to ask for help with Tadashi’s move, had turned into a 1 hour long conversation where Hinata demanded to know every single detail of what had happened between Yamaguchi and him, even if he already knew (he talked to Yamaguchi on the regular), because he wanted to know “Stupidshima’s point of view”. He had actually called Kageyama, because he never answered texts, to avoid texting Hinata so that this very thing wouldn’t happen. He had even waited for the right time, calculating that it was the hour of day Hinata usually went out to run, as his doctor had recommended, to be able to spend the energy he had left and sleep more soundly.

“No, we didn’t.” he answered, monotone, trying and failing not to get mad, or at least for it to not show on his voice, about Shouyo and his incessant picking on the open wound. “So do you think you’ll be here in time for Yamaguchi’s move or what?” he asked, louder than before.

“What day is it?” asked Kageyama, and Tsukishima sighed relieved, that he was finally taking over, before swiftly answering

“29 of October, in two weeks and 2 days.”

“We arrive the 25 so it should be okay.”

“you’ll be able to come? Don’t you have any training or-“

“Well, of course, we train every day, no matter where we are.” Was Kageyama’s offended answer.

“Of course”

“But we can take a day to go help Tadashi out!” added Hinata, and Tsukishima didn’t need to see the smile on his face to know it was there.

“Great, I think NIshinoya and Asahi might come too, I’ll text you the details.”

“Oh! Its gonna be like a reunion!” was Hinata’s excited and way too high-pitched answer-

“It would seem so. We do the moving and then a barbecue in the garden.”

“Oh my god, that sounds amazing! I can’ wait!!”

And after a bit more of chit chat, the call was finally over. Tsukishima let out a long sigh and slid from the couch until he was lying on his back on to the carpet. That much talking always left him exhausted, especially with the monster duo. He loved them, again, not that he would ever say it out loud, but they completely drained out his energy. Maybe that’s how they were so full of it, he thought. Maybe they were energy vampires.

He let out a sigh again. One hour talking to Hinata and he was already thinking like him. Yamaguchi really did owe him one for being the one organizing the moving AND the makeshift reunion. Most of them were still on the Miyagi prefecture thankfully, so that wasn’t as hard. Tanaka and Kiyoko had agreed almost immediately. Daichi had had to move around his free day so it had taken him a couple more days to reply, and Suga had been on the same boat, since he gave support classes Saturday morning at a community centre. Nishinoya and Asahi had been completely out of reach, glamping somewhere in Canada, but when they answered they seemed excited and even changed their travel itineraries to be able to be there. Yachi he hadn’t had to call himself because Yamaguchi usually had lunch with her once a week, and she was already on topic.

It was becoming such a big thing that Yamaguchi even felt guilty for not organizing something more fun than a moving, hence the barbecue thing. Maybe they could even organize a lunch the next day, he had said, and Tsuki had had to force a smile. He felt like two whole meals back to back were maybe a little too much, but he also actually wanted to see them, and realised it was smart to do it while they were all still there.

Tsukishima sighed one more time and then grabbed his phone again to text Tadashi.

“Talked to the monster duo, they’re coming.” The answer didn’t take long.

“That’s awesome! I can’t believe you managed to bring together the whole gang.”

“Well, it was technically you who did that, they’re coming to help you.”

“Well, it was technically _you_ who did that, they wouldn’t be coming if you hadn’t called and arranged the whole thing.”

He smiled at the text and closed his eyes. As usual, Yamaguchi was being too nice and complementary to him, even if he had thought himself that he was doing quite a good job.

Everything seemed to be back to normal between the two of them, he might even say it was better now that everything was out in the open.

Yamaguchi hadn’t given him an answer yet and though he sometimes found himself trying to figure out what it was going to be, he felt so happy with how they were right now, seeing each other almost every day, and talking non-stop via text or phone call, sometimes with the excuse of helping with the moving and sometimes because they just wanted to, that he didn’t think much of what would happen when he finally made up his mind. Worse case-scenario, they stayed just like they were, and that was decidedly something he couldn’t complain about.

\----------------------------------------

The days for the move passed quickly, and Tsukishima’s life was a mess of work, boxing things with Tadashi and co-organizing what had turned into a full blown reunion since he got that call from Kuroo saying he was profoundly offended he hadn’t been invited to the event. He had heard from Kenma who had heard from Hinata, and like in a game of broken telephone, everyone from back in the day had heard and wanted to be a part so he ended up deciding to delegate some stuff. After some sweet talking, and reverse psychology, Kuroo was procuring them with a nice court for a full two day of friendly matches, while staying at a hot springs hotel for the weekend. It was bound to be a mess, but since it was programmed for exactly 6 days after Yamaguchi’s move, they already had a guaranteed 50% attendance, since all of Karasuno was in the same country for a change, and he had managed to leave Kuroo in charge of getting the old Nekoma configuration there. He hoped to get Akaashi to take care of his own team.

Amidst all of that chaos, his co-worker decided to cash-in the promise he had made of babysitting his 3 year old daughter and 1 year old baby boy for a night, so that he and his wife could go out to eat for their anniversary (that had actually been in July, but at the time neither of them had been able to even think of doing anything since they weren’t getting near enough sleep to know or care what day it was). He hadn’t had the courage to say no to the sleep deprived, coffee-stained-shirt man that was standing in front of him, and even if the timing was terribly inconvenient, he actually didn’t want to refuse. He genuinely liked Makoto, he respected him, as he was a recognized person in his work field and a really nice, even tempered man, with a secretly wicked humour he loved. They got along great, and worked together often, mostly in focused silence, with snarky remarks here and there.

Still, he was getting a little worried about maybe not being up for the task. He didn’t think he had ever been in charge of a human being, except himself, which he didn’t think he was doing a great job at, less alone a baby. So when Yamaguchi offered to help, he immediately said yes, and then waited anxiously for Makoto to give him the ok, which he thankfully did, saying it was actually better if there were two of them in a way that made Tsukishima a little too concerned.

They arrived at 5:30 pm at Makoto’s house where they met his wife, a very cheerful woman that thanked them many times in a very friendly manner that made Tsukishima feel like he was acting like a robot, and Yamaguchi so comfortable that he had the baby in his arms in no time, while lively chatting with the couple.

When they left, Yamaguchi said

“He reminds me of you Tsuki! He’s so funny and cool.” Tsukishima looked at him surprised.

“Makoto?? We are nothing alike, he’s so.. so… nice.” He said frowning. Yamaguchi just laughed at him.

“And so are you Tsuki!” he had no idea what to answer to that outrageous lie.

After that they couldn’t talk to each other much, since the baby began crying and the 3-year-old decided she wasn’t interested on playing with her toys anymore, she wanted to be read to, and then she wanted to go to the park, and then she wanted to watch a movie, and Tsuki, who had thought he would have better luck dealing with the older one, maybe he could even talk to her in a rational manner, quickly decided he preferred the wailing baby. After a couple minutes trying things to appease him, he found out he was just hungry, and began bottle feeding him, holding him in his arms just like Yamaguchi had taught him. He naturally began making a rocking motion to sooth the baby boy and when he fell asleep in his arms, he was so afraid he would wake up if he stopped, he began prepping dinner with him in his arms, onehanded. They had already made some rice for them to eat, and a delicious looking curry he placed on the kitchen stove on a pot to warm up. When the delicious scent got to Yamaguchi and the 3yo, who were building a castle out of wooden blocks in the living room, they decided to peak their head through the kitchen door.

“Tsuki!! That smells great!” said Yamaguchi and the 3-year-old added

“Suki! Smells yummy!” which made Yamaguchi beam so hard Tsukishima felt like he was regressing to their high school days, when he was afraid he would blush anytime he saw Tadashi smile.

“Did you hear that Tsuki?? She already knows your name! You’re such a smart little woman aren’t you?” he said, while picking her up into his arms and twirling her around, making her laugh and scream from excitement.

Kei looked at the baby in his arms and mumbled

“It’s Tsuki, not Suki” but couldn’t repress the small smile that came to his mouth. “Dinner will be ready in 5.” He said louder, so they could hear him.

“Okay, Tsuki!” said Tadashi from the living room.

“Kay Suki!” added the little girl, and even Tsuki had to admit, it was really cute.

\----------------------------------------

After eating, which he had to let the baby down for, even if, he found with surprise, he didn’t really want to, the older girl finally began yawning. They took her to her bed and read her a bedtime story, taking turns each paragraph, and even though she fell asleep after page one, they continued till the end. Then they tucked her in the covers and turned off the light.

They walked to the living room, trying to make as little noise as possible, while they approached the movable crane that was there. Surprisingly, the baby wasn’t asleep anymore. He was just laying there, his eyes opened, looking at the ornaments that hanged from the ??, intensely.

“He’s so beautiful” murmured Yamaguchi, beaming at him, like he had been all night.

“yeah, he is.” Said Tsuki, while looking at Yamaguchi’s wide smile.

They sat at the living room couch, looking at the baby from there.

“You were so good with him, Tsuki! He almost didn’t cry.”

“He was just hungry” he said and shrugged.

“Did you like it?”

“What?”

“Holding him”

He thought about it. About how hard It had been for him to let go of the baby, soundly asleep in his arms.

“I was afraid I would drop him, or that he would start crying.”

“Duh. But did you like it?” he rolled his eyes, avoiding Yamaguchi’s grin.

“yeah, I did.”

“You looked really cool, you know. Holding a baby with one arm, making dinner with the other.”

“I just had to warm up the curry.” Yamaguchi began snickering. Tsuki looked at him in confusion.“What?”

“You just can’t take a compliment, can you? I think maybe I preferred when you just said “Shut up, Yamaguchi”” he said, frowning his brows and lowering his voice to make a terrible impression of him.

“really?” he asked, unimpressed.

“No.” he answered, still smiling. After some seconds of silence he started “Do you think I’ll…” he trailed off, staring at the baby that was now playing with the hanging ??.

“What?” he asked after several seconds passed and Yamaguchi still didn’t pick up the sentence.

“Do you think I’ll ever be a dad?” he sounded far away, lost in thought.

“Well, do you want to?”

“yeah, I think I’d really like that.”

“Then you’ll surely be one.” He answered, knowing his words to be true. “You’ll be a great dad.” He added, because he was sure of it.

“What about you?” asked Yamaguchi, while standing up and slowly walking closer to the baby.

“What about me?” he asked, mostly to stall, gain some time before the question he had no answer to.

“Do you want to have kids? You’ve never told me about this.”

It was true. While he had heard Yamaguchi refer to his dream of having a big family in the past, they had never really talked about it alone, and he had never really considered the possibility. Not because he was sure he didn’t want to. Just because it seemed like something that was really far away from him.

“I don’t know. I don’t **not** want kids.” He said, finally, after a long pause. He thought carefully about his next sentence. “I guess… it depends on the person I’m with.”

Yamaguchi turned around to look at him, his face serious.

“What do you mean?” he asked, softly.

“I’ve never been with anyone that I felt like I wanted to have a family with.” He clarified. “Maybe I just knew it wouldn’t last long enough for it to happen, so I didn’t give it much thought.” He was tiptoeing around what he really wanted to say but didn’t quite dare. He didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable, but he felt like there was probably a reason he was asking, and it was in his best interest to be sincere. “If I think it like a dream, like what would I want to happen if I could have everything I want…” he started, closing his eyes to make it easier to imagine. “I can picture a house in the outskirts, with a back garden. Maybe some herbs planted on the side, covered by something to protect them from the neighbourhood cats that would come to ask for food all of the time, a bowl full of it always there for them.” He let out a long sigh. It was kind of nostalgic, even if it was a possible future. He was about to continue when Yamaguchi interrupted.

“Is there someone with you?” he thought about it, trying to picture it in his mind. It reminded him of an exercise his psychologist had him do during the first sessions, after he talked to Makoto about not feeling well, and he had told him what he was going through sounded really similar to a depressive episode he had had a couple years ago.

“On a good day there is.” He answered honestly. “there’s someone with me helping me set the table and there’s delicious food and people to share it with.” He didn’t imagine children per se. Just people he loves.

“on a bad day?” Yamaguchi inquired. Tsuki opened his eyes.

“On a bad day it’s just me at my apartment, trying and failing to picture a happy future.” He said so low he wondered if Yamaguchi even heard him, but he figured he did when he hummed as a response.

\----------------------------------------

Not long after that, the couple returns and after some light chatting, and several “thank you”s from them, they leave.

“Come stay at my place, it’s closer” Says Yamaguchi and Tsuki just nods in agreement. They walk there and the cold and the darkness makes him dare to ask what has been going around his head the past few days.

“Are you mad for real? That I didn’t tell you back then…” he asks, hoping he doesn’t have to clear up what he’s talking about. Thankfully, Tadashi quickly picks up the meaning of his question.

“mmmmmm, if I’m being honest… a little bit.” He smiles at Tsuki, likely trying to alleviate the air between them. “It’s just that… you decided for the both of us, all on your own.”

“what do you mean?”

“Well… you said it was because you thought you wouldn’t be good enough for me, right?”

“Among other things, yeah” he reluctantly admits. He doesn’t feel comfortable exposing his insecurity so harshly.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide what’s good for me? If you told me that you didn’t want to be with me because you felt you weren’t ready, or because you didn’t want a relationship… that’s fair.” He explains, tucking some hair behind his ears, and shivering inside his light coat. “But you made that decision for me without even informing me and it actually… Yeah, I think it actually kinda pisses me off.” He finishes.

“I’m sorry” it’s all that comes to Tsukishima’s mind. Yamaguchi lets out a long, calming sigh, before turning to smile at him again, softly, one more time saying without words that it’s okay, that they can talk about it.

“It was a long time ago. It was probably more insecurity on your part than anything. Cowardice, you said. You were a kid Tsuki. So was I. I get it. I just…” he extends his hands forward, making grabbing motions, like he wants to grasp something but can’t. He sighs again and lets them fall to his lap. “I just wish I had known. I don’t know if things would’ve turned differently, maybe not, but I just wish I had known.”

Tsuki just nods. He thinks he understands, but there’s really nothing he can do about it anymore. That’s the whole point anyways.

Then they arrive at the apartment and sort through a labyrinth made of boxes in the living room to reach the bedroom. They lay down on the bed, some space between them, comfortable silence hugging them while he drifts into dreamland until Yamaguchi whispers

“hey Tsuki?”

“What Yamaguchi” he answers sleepily. Yamaguchi shifts on the bed, to look at him, and so does Tsukishima.

“If I had said something to you… If I had confessed to you, back then, what would you have done?” The question really throws him off.

“I… I don’t know.” He really doesn’t.

“humm” he answers and shifts to be staring at the dark ceiling.

“What?”

“Maybe I’m being a little unfair. It wasn’t just you who was scared to try something. I mean, I thought you didn’t like me like that, but I was wrong… so maybe I just didn’t want to see it. Because I didn’t want to take the risk. Because if I wasn’t Tsuki’s Yamaguchi… If I wasn’t the boy that chased you around and loved you unrequitedly, who was I?”

Tsukishima doesn’t know what to answer so for a while, he doesn’t. He just shifts to look at the emptiness, the lack of light that extends on top of him.

“I hadn’t thought about it like that. I thought I was really good at hiding it, but thinking back at it and the comments people made… I probably wasn’t.”

“Yeah. Maybe we were just two cowards. It’s comforting somehow, right?”

“I guess.”

\----------------------------------------

The remaining two weeks go by in a rush. He ends up spending so much time at Tadashi’s house that he just takes the groceries there and when he goes back to his apartment, he grabs just enough food for one meal.

He doesn’t mind, he actually doesn’t like his apartment that much. It’s ok, and it serves its purpose, it has a bed, a bathroom and a decent kitchen, his favourite part of it and the only one in which he spent some time and effort. He has a fancy industrial kitchen he bought after saving up for a whole year, a stand mixer he loves dearly (a gift from his brother and wife), and a collection of knives and pots and pans that any cheff would be envious of, product of carefully picking his purchases over the years. He’s proud of his very well-equipped kitchen, and it’s the part of the house he spends the most time in. Sometimes he even eats there, just standing next to the counter, specially when it starts to get cold and he refuses to turn the heater on. His kitchen is always warm and clean and filled with things that bring him joy. He really loves it.

The rest of the apartment… it’s ok. The living room is fine, but he would prefer a traditional tatami one, and it gets almost no natural light, so it always feels cold and sad. His bedroom is particularly decadent since there’s literally nothing in it, except his bed. He doesn’t even have a nightstand, just a chair where he places his phone and charger, and sometimes a glass of water. Yamaguchi always mocks him about this, but he always says it’s because he doesn’t spend any time there. And it’s true. Back at home, his room used to be filled with books and even some photos and dinosaur replicas (he refuses to call them toys), but now he keeps all of his books in his office at the museum, since it’s more practical, and the rest of the stuff remains in his old room.

Yamaguchi always says there’s something to be said about his refusal to make his home feel homey, and his psychologist agrees. He just never expected to spend so much time there. It was supposed to be a transitional apartment between his college residence and his permanent residence, that he was supposed to buy around this age. And while he is very frugal with his money and has quite a bit of savings accumulated, it’s still not nearly enough to consider even asking for a credit to buy a house. Besides when he had just moved in, he was also still on the Sendai Frogs team, and trained every day. So the only time he spent in his apartment was at breakfast and dinnertime, which he spent in his kitchen, and then to sleep in his bed. The only times he felt somewhat self-conscious of the lack of life his apartment emanated was when Tadashi came by. But then he would cook them something delicious and they would sit on the carpet he had bought because it felt similar to tatami, and Yamaguchi’s presence would warm the whole place up.

Now he wonders why he never even thought about moving somewhere else. If he really didn’t care about his apartment being pretty, he could just move to an even smaller one, that was also cheaper, to be able to save up some more. But the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.

He stands in his beloved kitchen, feeling content because everywhere he looks at he recognises himself. He chose everything that populates the space, and it feels truly his, and it makes him happy. Why couldn’t he do that with the other spaces too? He thinks back to what Tadashi told him about feeling stuck, unable to get out on his own or ask for help. In a way, it seemed like the longer he stayed there, the more likely it was for him to never leave. But that was a stupid thought. His contract ended in 6 months he remembered. Then he would search for another place, one that was more to his liking, with a big kitchen where he could fit all of his stuff nicely. He decides that’s what he will do.

He hears the bell and he hurries down the stairs, unwilling to wait for the elevator, and not even bothering to answer the doorbell. Tadashi waits for him at the door, a large backpack peaking behind his head, and two fabric shopping bags filled to full capacity.

“I had more things in my fridge than I thought I did. And so much stuff in my pantry too! I didn’t know I had this many spices…”  
“Ah, those are mine, I took them with me last week to do the okonomiyaki.” he answered, taking the bags from his hand. “Come on, it’s getting late. What do you feel like eating?”

“I’m sure anything you cook will be delicious” says Yamaguchi, beaming at him.

Now they do wait for the elevator and luckily it comes quick. They get inside and soon after are going through the door of Tsukishima’s apartment, leaving their shoes at the entrance and walking straight to the kitchen.

“Are you sure it’s okay I stay here until the move?” asks Yamaguchi, speaking from Tsuki’s room, where he went to leave his backpack.

“It’s only two days and your apartment was inhabitable. You had no more running water or wifi.” He says, resolutely.

“I can’t believe they did that… the man promised me I’d have it until I moved out.” Rumbles Yamaguchi, from the kitchen entryway, looking at Tsuki while he places each thing from Yamauchi’s bags to their rightful place.

“Besides, I stayed at your place for most of last month.”

“Yeah, I know but you’re weird about your apartment…” mumbles Yamaguchi. “You seriously haven’t turned the heater on yet?”

“it was only 16 degrees today.”

“It was 14 last night!”

“Depends on which news you read.” He says, while finally placing the spices back to where they belong. “So, how about some Oden? I have some fresh daikon that I got from the market today.”

“mmm it sounds delicious” hums Yamaguchi, smiling peacefully.

Tsukishima takes out his favourite pot, the one he only uses when there are guests there (mostly Yamaguchi and his brother), and begins preparing the dish, his entire body relaxing to the rhythm of it, letting his mind rest from other things, only focusing on the cooking. Time goes by without him even noticing and when he hears a yawn, he turns to find that Tadashi is still standing at the doorframe, looking at him. He looks at the time. It must have been more than 20 minutes since he began cooking.

“Do you want to go and sit?” He asks. “The food won’t be long.”

“No.” yamaguchi shakes his head. “I like watching you cook.” He isn’t sure what to make of that.

“Why?” he asks.

“You get super focused. But you’re also at peace. It kinda reminds me of when you play volleyball… but not every time, just when it’s a really good match and your enjoying it because you know your playing good. It’s beautiful to watch.” He finishes with a big toothy smile.

Tsukishima feels something warm spreading from his chest to every crevice of his body.

“I think I know what you mean. Its like when you are about to make one of your float serves. You just cool down for a second, and you look peaceful.”

“mmm, I haven’t play in so long… I really miss it. And so does my body. I’m getting soft.” He moans, poking at his legs. “all wobbly and soft, where I used to be lean and strong…”

“I don’t know what you mean. You were never strong.”

“Ha ha.” Replies Yamaguchi. “You know what I mean. Don’t you miss it?”

Tsukishima lets out a sigh.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

“Really? You haven’t considered going back to the Sendai Frogs? I’m sure they would still take you back. How long has it been? A year?”

“13 months and two weeks.” He answers, with a precision that even surprises him. He shakes his head. “But I don’t think it would be that easy, even if they wanted to, I haven’t play at all during all of this time. And besides, I left it because with work I had no time and that’s still the case.”

“Did you really leave it because of that?” wonders Yamaguchi.

“What do you mean?”  
“well, it’s not like you started working more hours or anything. Why did it suddenly become such a heavy weight?” he says, in a nonchalant tone that doesn’t fool Kei.

“Why are you so interested in me going back to playing volleyball?” he asks, suspicion tinting his voice. Yamaguchi just smiles at him, sincerity dripping out of every pore.

“I just want you to feel happy Tsuki.” He says, and then turns around. “I’ll go lay down in the couch, okay? Let me know when it’s ready so I can help you put down the table.” He says.

When Tsukishima takes the pot to the living-room, Yamaguchi is soundly asleep.

\----------------------------------------

Moving day finally arrives and chaos ensues. But somehow, between the happy hugs and chattering, the excited shrieks of Hinata and Noya and the chaotic way in which they conduct everything, they manage not only to move everything from Yamaguchi’s old apartment to his new, beautiful little house, but they also help unpack most of the things, which was Tsuki’s plan all along. With the help of 14 hands, 2 of which are very used to ordering them around, they swiftly clean the new house while some of them help putting everything in the truck they rented, then they drive it there and get everything inside the house. After a light lunch, they start unpacking everything, deciding the arrangement of the furniture and kitchen items with Yamaguchi guiding them. Tsuki retires to help set up his room, neatly folding all the clothes and organizing it in a way that looks so efficient that he thinks he might get back home and do the same to his clothing.

By nigh time, everyone’s exhausted but the house looks like a house, only a couple boxes lingering, that they take to the extra room. Yamaguchi starts to work on the barbecue when his parents arrive as a surprise and end up taking care of it.

Tadashi seems to be on cloud nine, his family and his friends celebrating his new home with him, everyone having fun. His parents share an amusing story about how they were planning to arrive at morning to help with the move to but had troubles all the way from Tadashi’s aunt house, where they were visiting in the Aomori prefecture, doing some sightseeing. What was supposed to be a 5-hour drive (they had left at 5 to be there at ten) ended up being a 12 hour one. They looked exhausted but they were mostly excited about the new house, already making plans with Tadashi about renovating and restoring some of the old features of it.

Tsukishima felt a pang of sadness and guilt, apparently, he couldn’t go a day without one of those, as he looked at Tadashi happily talking to his parents. They had a great relationship (of course they had, it was fucking Tadashi). It wasn’t like he didn’t get along well with his parents. He did. But there was this distance, like a wall between them, one that he had certainly built himself, that dictated some rules he had probably decided in his youth and where bound to be discarded anytime now: that he would not be the one making an effort to spend time with them, that he kept every conversation as short as possible, that he didn’t like staying at his old room or visiting his house… He suddenly realised that while he had gone through the journey of internally admitting to himself that he loved his parents and that they had been good ones, maybe he hadn’t made the biggest effort to let them know of this change of heart. He had been cold an aloof with them during his angsty teen years and he hadn’t even tried to rebuild the bond between them ever since. He shook his head.

There was no use on keep anguishing over the past. He was different now. It would just have to be one more thing he made amends with during this emotionally busy year.

After that the barbecue was done and they sat at the garden with plastic plates to eat it, happy silence from enjoying their well-earned food. Yamaguchi’s parents finished eating and excused themselves and Tadashi led them to the extra room where he set his extra futon, for them to sleep.

Tsukishima forced himself to talk to everyone that had come, and he even enjoyed it a bit. Knowing that they were doing well made him happy, and, more selfishly, noticing that many of them were still single or with no solid plans for the future like he was, left him a little more assured. After talking with Asahi and Nishinoya, he decided it was enough socializing for the time being, and sat at the veranda, enjoying the cool breeze of air that past through it, closing his eyes for a bit. He felt something moving near him and when he opened his eyes, Suga had sat next to him. He smiled at him and Tsuki replied it with a short nod and a not-frown, which was what he had energy for at the moment.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Tsukishima! I wanted to organise a small trip to the Sendai museum with the kids in my class.” He said.

“oh. Sounds nice.” Was all he could think about answering.

“You still work there right?”

“yes. Will be 4 years next January.”

“And how you like it?”

“It’s good. I have great colleagues and access to really interesting research.”

“That sounds really good. It’s good your brains are being used somewhere.” He added with a smile and a pat to the back. Tsuki remembered it was his turn to ask and he did.

“How about you? You like your school?”

“Yes! I love my kids, its great to see them grow! I’ve been teaching first grade for 6 years now, so my first group is just finishing elementary school this last semester. It will be so weird to see them in different uniforms! Anyways, I love it. Though recently I was thinking of starting to teach a couple grades higher. Working with small kids is real fun but it’s also exhausting. I don’t want to get burn out you know? I’ve seen it happen, it’s awful.”

Kei nodded even though he wasn’t sure he knew exactly what Sugawara was talking about.

“Me and Tadashi babysitted some kids a couple weeks ago. It was exhausting.” He said, referring to his last and almost only experience with small children. Suga looked at him surprised.

“You? Babysitting.” And sputtered out some laughter. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I picture you dealing with kids and It’s so funny…”

“Tsuki was great with the kids! He put the baby to sleep in no time, and then didn’t really want to let go of him!” Tadashi had showed up out of nowhere in time to defend his honour.

“Really? My apologies then, Tsukishima. Maybe you could do the tour for the kids when I take them then!”

Panic ensued in his head and he swiftly answered

“I don’t think I’m qualified for that. I’m not a great public speaker.”

“mmmm, how about you come with the guide in case the children have some more specific questions?” asked Tadashi, grinning at him, suddenly deciding to backstab him for some reason.

“Maybe.” He said, unable to say no to him but unwilling to accept so easily.

Suga was looking at the both of them pensive.

“You haven’t change one bit.” He decided with a smile.

“We have!” exclaimed Tadashi, pretending to be offended. “I’m 182 centimeters now and Tsuki talks and likes babies!”

“That is quite a change!” said Daichi, who had decided to join them. He patted Tsuki and Yamaguchi in the back as a salute. “Why are we talking about babies anyways, is someone expecting a child?” he asked curiously.

“It would be kind of difficult for any of us to be in that situation” said Suga, grinning widely.

“What, why?” Tanaka had showed up from behind Daichi.

“We are all single gay men” declared Tsukishima, in his gravest tone, causing Tadashi to laugh openly, in a way that ended up spreading to the now round of five people.

“you can still adopt right?” asked Tanaka curiously, and when Tuskishima looked, Kiyoko had magically materialised next to him.

“It’s tricky” explained Suga. “Adopting is hard in general, but right now it’s not even legal for same sex couples in most prefectures, and even there it’s not very common.”

“And it’s generally harder to adopt if you’re not married, which, we can’t be, because it’s still not recognized legally nowhere in Japan.” Continued Tadashi, and Tuski felt surprised he knew so much on the topic, and then felt stupid he felt surprised, because of course he did.

“I thought it was legal in some prefectures…” said Ennoshita.

“No, it’s just a “partnership certificate” and they’re symbolic.” This time it was Asahi who said it, and Tsukishima realised that everyone was there now, talking in a round.

“We tried to get one years ago and it was useless” declared Hinata, clearly indignant. Kageyama just stood next to him, vigorously nodding. “It’s not recognised by any other authority outside the city! We needed it to facilitate a Visa to see each other and it was impossible.”

“Did you think about changing nationalities and marrying somewhere else? That’s what Asahi and I are thinking of doing.” Said a wide grinning Noya, while showing off the ring on his finger that Tsukishima had wondered all night about. After a conrotatory round, filled with love and no surprise at all, it was Kageyama who answered the question, as serious as ever.

“Can’t. We wouldn’t be able to play the Olympics.”

“oh, shoot, you’re right.” To this everyone stopped talking for a bit.

“Well, I don’t think it’s going to last.” Said Yachi, smiling hopefully. “We’re the only country in the G7 who hasn’t legalise it yet. It’s bad for international politics. My girlfriend says in a few years they will surely pass the law. She’s a lawyer, you know.” She stated proudly.

After some cheering and questioning about Yachi’s new girlfriend, Tsukishima asked to Yamaguchi, low enough so no one else could hear.

“I thought the monster duo was trying to adopt…”

“Yeah, they were, but then they decided to wait some more, until they’re retired at least. Maybe it will be a little easier in a couple years if they really legalise marriage, like Yachi said.”

“Right. Maybe we should try and do something about that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think there’s an LGBTQ+ group that meets once a week in Sendai, they’re trying to pressure the city to at least have the partnership certificates like Ibaraki prefecture, and some big cities. It only really works for medical purposes, but if every prefecture has it, then it’s more likely to be passed as a law for the whole country.” Yamaguchi was looking at him like he had grown another head. “What? I read the pamphlet. And I follow them on twitter.”

“Are you trying to tell me you’re thinking of becoming a lgbtq+ activist?”

“I was thinking more like making a donation… or going to a meeting.” He said, suddenly feeling embarrassed but standing his ground.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea Tsuki. We’ll go together, how ‘bout that?” he said, placing an arm around his back to his other shoulder.

“Sure Yamaguchi.” He answered, looking away, and getting back into the general conversation of the whole group, feeling a little more rested and awake.

\----------------------------------------

Everyone scattered very late into the night, each going to their parent’s place, their own apartment, or a hotel room they had rented. Tsuki was about to leave when Tadashi said

“Just stay. It’s really late and there’s no more trains.” Which was solid reasoning. So he stayed.

Now he was next to Tadashi, sharing a bed one more time. He thought back to the conversation they had had about children. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what a happy future would look like for him. He came home from work, early in the afternoon, to a beautiful small house. He left his stuff in a room that was cramped with books, his studio. Then he went to the kitchen to make a snack. Then he heard some noises coming from the door and suddenly the house was filled with sounds and warmth and there was Tadashi.

This was very similar to what he had thought about that day at Makoto’s house, but didn’t say to Tadashi because he didn’t want to pressure him. There was still no one else with a face but them. But he felt like there could be. He could imagine taking all the books from his studio and placing them in a large library in the living room, to make room for someone else. He could imagine a small crib, and the room filled with toys and colourful books. He could imagine Tadashi smiling at the crib and waving for him to come closer.

He fell asleep with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! If you did and would like to leave a kudo and a kind comment, I would really appreciate it!  
> (Small disclaimer, I went back and edited the first chapters a bit and realised I had written Kageyama and Hinata were already married so I changed that too.)  
> As always, thanks to my amazing beta Millie_Jean, who literally sat next to me for some hours to read the 16.083 words this last two chapters took.  
> Also, now I have a tumblr! Actually I had it since forever but I’m just now learning to use it, but I do spend quite some time there if you want to hmu, or know when I’m posting a new fic or the process of writing it. It's [AssassinDuckie](https://assassinduckie.tumblr.com/)  
> See ya!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Yachi spoke again, he was the one to be startled. He had completely forgotten she was there.  
> “It’s nice to have the crew back together, right? And to be here for Yams too…” Tsukishima agreed, nodding. “It was really nice of you to help organize this! I didn’t think you’d be into reunions.” She added.   
> “I’m not against it. I didn’t do it for me, anyways.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **SO THE FINAL CHAPTER IS HERE** (there's still the epilogue which is the reason this is rated E but shhhhh)  
> Hope you enjoy!

Tsukishima woke up 10 minutes before the alarm he had set. Even though he decided it was best to sleep those extra 10 minutes since he knew he would need them later in the day, it just wasn’t happening. He kept waking up every 5 seconds fearing he had missed the alarm. So he eventually gave up and got out of bed. Only 3 minutes had gone by but they had felt like forever. He grabbed one of Tadashi’s t-shirts because the one he had worn the day before was sweaty and gross, and headed to the kitchen. While he got closer, he heard small noises so he peaked his head through the door. It was Yamaguchi’s mom, moving stuff around. He cleared his throat to make himself announced. Tadashi’s mom startled and turned around

“Oh! Kei-kun! You scared me for a minute there! What are you doing up so early?” she laughed. Kei marvelled once more at how much Tadashi looked like his mom, especially their smiles.

“Everyone’s coming for lunch today so I wanted to start cooking early. I also should go to the grocery store...” he explained, still standing on the door frame.

“This early? Without breakfast? Don’t be silly! Come on, help me make something for breakfast and then we’ll deal with lunch. I already sent Shigeru to buy from the market.”

Tsukishima just nodded because he knew there was no point in arguing with her and began following her instructions as they prepared a simple breakfast with some rice, tamagoyaki, the leftovers from the night before (Tsukishima was still surprised there had been any, but he guessed it was a testament to how overboard Tadashi always went when it came to being the host), and an assortment of fruit that Tadashi’s father brought a couple minutes later. Soon after, he was sent to wake up Tadashi to accompany them for breakfast, a task he wasn’t too happy to take on, because the man slept like a rock.

He sat next to Tadashi on the bed and began gently shaking his shoulder. When that didn’t work, he tried softly calling his name. When he realised that wasn’t going to work either, he gave up and took his phone to use his tried and true method. He set an alarm for the next minute and tuned the volume as high as possible. When it began ringing Tadashi woke up with a start. After some looking around confused, he settled his eyes on Tsuki.

“Tsuki… why did you wake me?” he said, pouting.

“Your mom made breakfast and asked I wake you”

“mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… why didn’t you refuse?” He asked, while muffling a yawn in the pillow and stretching his arms and legs.

“Because…” he answered, getting a bit upset because the thought hadn’t even occurred to him. He changed the subject. “Like you could say no to her!” Tadashi let out a dramatic sigh.

“You’re right… she didn’t start moving stuff around did she?”

“Just a few pots and pans, but I put them back in place.”

“Kay. Thanks Tsuki.” He said, and got up. He walked to the wardrobe while taking off his shirt, making Tsukishima feel like he had run out of air. “I love her, you know I do, I just wish she wasn’t so… so…” he struggled finding the words while he looked around his t-shirts before choosing one of his favourite ones, proceeding to take his pyjama pants off after putting it on. “expansive? Overbearing? Is that too mean of me?” he asked. Tsuki swallowed before answering.

“No, I think I know what you mean.” Then he looked away because Tadashi in his tight boxers and a t-shirt was just a bit too much for him.

“Like she just doesn’t register the difference between her things and other people’s stuff. Like yesterday she was already talking about making the extra room a space for them for when they come visiting… they live half an hour away. They don’t need to spend the night if they visit. And even if they do, they don’t need a special room for them to do that right? I can just leave them my room and sleep on the couch or something, right? Am I being too mean? I feel like I’m being too mean. Maybe I’m just grumpy cause I just woke up and I didn’t sleep much. Tsuki, are you ok?” he asked when he noticed Kei was just staring at the floor intensely. He startled and turned around to look a Tadashi. When he nodded Tadashi kept on talking. “You’re probably pretty tired too right? I know events with a lot of people leave you exhausted. I don’t know how you handled the volleyball matches.” He wondered, like the thought that volleyball matches implied big crowds had just occurred to him.

“I can block the crowds off when I’m focusing on something.” He explained.

“Oh. That makes sense. Anyways, thanks for organizing my clothes! I love it. It looks so tidy. I don’t think my wardrobe ever looked this good. By the way, where did you put my blue sweater, you know, the one with the black and white cuffs and hem…”

Tsukishima finally stood up from the bed and went towards the closet.

“In this part over here. I put all your favourite stuff here because it’s the stuff you use the most. That pile over there is the fancy stuff and down there is the things you haven’t worn in forever or are pretty worn out. I didn’t know if you wanted to keep them or maybe donate them…” Tadashi looked through the pile

“I didn’t even remember I had this one… I guess I’ll probably check it out later and just donate all of it. Ok, let’s go before she starts calling for us.” He said while heading for the door, at the exact same time his mom began shouting

“Tadashi! Kei-kun! Come on you boys! It’s getting late!” Tadashi let out an exasperated sigh that made Tsukishima smile amused.

“It’s literally not even 10:30 a.m. On a SUNDAY.” He complained, low enough she wouldn’t hear them. Still, Tsuki said

“Shh, be careful or she’ll hear you” just to watch the scared expression on his face and laugh a bit at his expense.

\--------------------------------------------

Breakfast was delicious, which was always to be expected of Yamaguchi’s mom, and after they were done, they both decided it was time to get started on lunch. The kitchen was now Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s mom’s territory and subsequently, Tadashi and his dad were banned from it, relegated to making the rest of the place look presentable. Tadashi was a decent cook, Tsukishima thought, but it was probably a good idea for everyone that he didn’t spend the next few hours locked away with his mom in a room.

Tsukishima really liked Tadashi’s mom. She was a really energic woman, always doing something, always on her feet. It was probably the type of person he would usually not like or would take a long time to warm up to, like Hinata, but it was different with her because to him she kind of represented his childhood. She had always been extremely nice and welcoming to him, from the beginning. But he understood why Tadashi sometimes needed a break from her. She was a lot. His father, on the contrary, was a very quiet, calm man. Tsukishima liked to think Tadashi was the perfect synthesis of the two of them. His father’s calming presence and his mother’s cheerfulness. His father’s kindness and his mother’s relentless energy to learn and grow.

While cooking in the kitchen with her and hearing her praise his abilities and remember back to a time when he was a picky eater child that would only munch on some rice when he stayed at the Yamaguchi household, he realised he had missed her. She had been a constant part of his life up to when Tadashi had finally moved out (he had stayed home during college) and he had almost stopped seeing her entirely. He also felt guilty that he hadn’t even thought about her during all of this time. He would maybe ask about her health to Yamaguchi from time to time, after he came back from a visit home but that was it.

“You know, we are very thankful of how much you’ve helped Tadashi with all of this moving business.” She said, while chopping green onions for a small army.

“It’s nothing.” He answered, and he meant it.

“It was all so sudden… A month ago he had a boyfriend and an apartment in the city and now suddenly he’s single again and moving to an old house…” She looked at him, expecting a response. He rearranged his glasses buying for time before answering the most unproblematic thing he could think of

“He’s always wanted to live in a place like this.”

“I just can’t believe it ended so suddenly… he’s almost 30 years old. Where is he gonna find a man now?” she sighed heavily. It always amused Tsukishima how her way of dealing with Tadashi being gay was to just put in him the expectations she would have put on a daughter, had she had one. It was amusing in the way tragic things are amusing, you laugh not to cry, was always what Tadashi said of it. “Oh, I worry about him. But it is always comforting to know that you’re by his side you know? Taking care of him. You’re like an onii-san to him.”

Kei had to turn and shove his head in the fridge to hide his face because he could barely contain the laughter. God, he certainly hoped he was _not_ like a big brother to Tadashi. Big spoon, maybe. Big brother? No thank you.

“What are you looking for Kei-kun?” she asked, because of course she did.

“Just the ginger”

“Oh! It’s right here! Next to your chopping board!”

“Oh, silly me” he deadpanned, going back to his little station.

“Did I just hear that correctly? Did you just say silly me?” asked Tadashi, poking his head inside the kitchen.

“You must be mistaken.” He answered, not looking away from his hands peeling the ginger.

“What are you doing here? Shoo, shoo!” said his mom immediately.

“Relax, I just want to know what you’re making. Don’t worry, I’m not dad, I’m not gonna burn myself accidentally or break something.” He insisted, after seeing his mother was still eyeing him like he was a walking hazard.

“It’s true, we’ve cooked together many times.”

“It’s true! I make a mean Yakisoba.” He continued.

“It’s true, he makes a mean Yakisoba.”

“Oh, I can’t with you when you team up like that” she said, giving up on them and turning around to continue working on the meal.

“So? What are you making? Tsuki?” he peaked his head over Kei’s shoulder, and he felt like his heart was beating out of his chest.

“Karage.” He answered, his voice sounding almost normal.

“Oh! I thought you would want to do something more fancy!”

“What? You suddenly don’t like Karage??” asked his mom, taking personal offence on it even if it was Kei’s idea.

“Yeah I do! I never said I didn’t!” he defended himself.

“I just figured it was easier to make for a bunch of people. Also, everyone likes it.” Kei explained, still not straying his eyes from the chopping board.

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“But I’m still making 4 different sauces to pair it with.” He added.

“aaah, that’s the Tsuki we know and love!” he said, and he could hear the smile in his voice. “Anyways, I’m gonna get back outside. Dad decided now was a good time to plant some stuff in the back. He wants to make a herb garden I think.”

\--------------------------------------------

Lunch was pretty great. Everyone complimented him on his cooking so much he feared he might even blush (thank god he didn’t), and the event extended itself well into the afternoon, everyone idly chatting away the hours of the day. They even played a little game with a cord as a makeshift net (which was cause to many arguments about if it had went under, over it, or touched it), that went on for too long because they had decided to put Kageyama and Hinata on opposite teams to even out the professional players. They only managed to make them **stop** playing when the sun came down and the cord was almost invisible.

Most had already abandoned the game, sitting at the veranda having warm tea (it was getting cold fast) and some cheesecake Yamaguchi had ordered fearing that the Karage wouldn’t be enough food. The only ones that played to the very end, and were now laying on the grass trying to catch their breath, were Tsukishima and Daichi on Kageyama’s team, and Nishinoya and Suga on Hinata’s team, having played a very intense 3 to 3.

Yamaguchi showed up with a giant water jug and 6 glasses and everyone sighed in thankfulness. Hinata and Kageyama were already getting back up, shaking the grass off their clothes and starting to argue about whether it was a tie or not, but the rest of them were starting to realise that recovering from this was probably gonna take them the next few days.

“Tsuki, you played great!” told him Yamaguchi, sitting in the grass next to him.

“It’s true Tsukishima. You really saved us a couple times back there. I must admit the years have caught up to me” laughed Daichi, grabbing his side, and still breathing raggedly. Kei thought to himself that considering he hadn’t trained or played regularly during the last 12 years, he had been pretty spectacular.

“I’ve seen you play better” commented Kageyama, stopping his argument with Hinata for just a second to make the comment, that worked like a spring on Tsuki who sat back up instantly to glare at him.

“I haven’t played or exercised in over a year!” he barked back. Kageyama just turned around to look at him expressionless.

“And whose fault is that?” he asked, and Tsukishima was about to jump at him when he heard everyone laughing, including Yamaguchi who also added

“It’s like no time has gone by at all!”

“Stupidyama! That’s not a nice thing to say!” he heard Hinata scolding Kageyama.

“But it’s the truth!” he answered, looking confused.

“It’s also true that you’re stupid, and I don’t go around saying it do I?”

“Yeah you do” he answered and Tsuki was on the verge of laughter. In some ways, they truly hadn’t changed at all.

“That’s not the point! If you have nothing nice to say you just don’t say anything. We’ve talked about this!” Hinata was frowning up to a confused Kageyama, and the laughter intensified.

Tsukishima couldn’t help but to feel the good mood spreading to him. He got up, patted away the grass that had stuck to his pants and declared

“Ahh, I guess it’s true.” And then left dramatically, because in some ways, he hadn’t changed either.

He walked inside the house where he found Yachi talking on the phone. He passed her awkwardly and headed to the bathroom, but he didn’t really need to go so he just looked at himself in the mirror. He was smiling. And he felt good. Happy. It was weird. He didn’t know if it was the presence of his friends or the fact that he played volleyball again after 14 months. He had really missed both things, he had to acknowledge. Even the burning sensation all over his body felt good and comforting to him. But he could already feel the sadness creeping in thinking about when they all left. He pushed it down. He was having a good time. The future was for future him to worry about.

He got out of the bathroom and heard sounds in the kitchen. He walked there to find Yachi pouring herself a glass of water. She got startled when he walked in.

“OH! It’s just you!” she laughed. “Hi Tsukishima-san! You nearly scared me to death, you know. You shouldn’t walk on people like that!” she jokingly scolded him.

“sorry.” He said and didn’t know what to do next. He hadn’t meant to start up a conversation with her by coming into the kitchen. It’s not like he didn’t like her, but she had always been Yamaguchi’s friend and he felt like she probably knew a lot about him, things he might not even know. So after a nod he headed for the backyard, and she followed him. He could hear them laughing behind the doors. He opened one and took a peak outside. Hinata was talking about something and everyone was listening to him very closely. Yamaguchi too, had his eyes on him, smiling easily, paying attention to every word. As usual, he looked beautiful. He had pulled back his hair while playing, in a half ponytail-messy-bun thing that Kei considered to be very sexy. When Yachi spoke again, he was the one to be startled. He had completely forgotten she was there.

“It’s nice to have the crew back together, right? And to be here for Yams too…” Tsukishima agreed, nodding. “It was really nice of you to help organize this! I didn’t think you’d be into reunions.” She added.

“I’m not against it. I didn’t do it for me, anyways.” He figured there was no reason to hide it, Yachi probably already knew every detail of what had gone down between them.

“Well, if it was for Yams then you can go to sleep knowing you made him very happy!” she said, and her smile was so truthful that Tsukishima didn’t feel like hiding anything from her.

“That’s a nice thought.” He looked back at Yamaguchi, and as if he had sensed his gaze on him, Tadashi looked up to lock eyes with him and waved, smiling happily. He waved back. “I love him you know. I just want to be close to him.” He couldn’t believe his words. Was he really saying all this to Yachi? Apparently.

“Have you told him this?” she asked, and he looked at her confused. “I mean, I know you told him you love him but…”

“That I want to be with him? I don’t know… I thought it was obvious. I thought he knew.”

“He knows. I think. Though, you know… maybe it wouldn’t hurt for him to listen you say it.” She added.

“I don’t want to pressure him… I know he’ll answer when he’s ready.”

“I know.” And to that, she walked past him and went to join the rest of the crew.

He looked at her one more time. She was wearing a pair of jeans and an oversized colourful

sweater, her blond, now long, hair on a messy bun on top of her head. She had grown. Not in height, she was still tiny. But out of the nervous, jumpy, high pitched girl that could barely talk to him or anyone that looked tall and menacing or just too pretty, girl he had met all those years ago, not much had remained. He knew from Yamaguchi that she was now a successful illustrator that, after several years of working for a big name company, had decided to go free-lance and worked mostly from home, for several companies and on her own personal artistic project. He was happy for her.

He spent some minutes pondering about what she had said to him. He probably should listen to her, he knows, but he felt too tired to decipher her words and ended up joining the crew too.

\--------------------------------------------

He ends up staying at Yamaguchi’s for almost two weeks. First it’s to help him finish setting in. Then it’s because it got late, and the trains are closed. They go to the actual official reunion together, which goes so smoothly he’s surprised.

He had expected peaks of anxiety and terrible physical exhaustion. But most of them hadn’t played in a long time, and he discovered he was more in shape and skilled that most of them, since they had only played maybe a match with friends since high school. He had been patted in the back so many times and congratulated for his blocks that he had a sore spot there. And he hadn’t felt anxious at all, on the contrary. He had felt surprisingly at ease. It was one of those “you never forget how to bike” moments. But it was more than muscular memory. The atmosphere, the shouting and cheering and the sound of his shoes against the wooden floors and the ball hitting the ground, or someone’s hand, this was the space he had been a part of for so long, he realised he would probably never feel out of place in. It just came naturally at this point and he found himself missing his Sendai Frogs teammates. Maybe Yamaguchi was right and having no volleyball in his life wasn’t doing him any good. In the end, even if his muscles were sore, the weekend felt like a relaxing one, and he knew he would think back to it fondly in the years to come. Not even with nostalgia, just happiness.

When they get back from it, he ends up also staying with Yamaguchi for a couple days because he washed his clothes at his house and is waiting for them to dry before taking them back, which it’s 100% the lamest excuse he’s ever used, but Tadashi doesn’t say anything about It and they both curse the rain for avoiding him going back to his place. More ridiculously, he actually goes back and forth to the museum (which is only 15 blocks away from his apartment) during those days. Finally, he can’t find anymore excuses and he gets back to his place.

If he wasn’t particularly happy with it before, now he hates it. He hates the noise that comes through the window, from the city traffic, he hates the lack of natural light, and how cold it always is in his bedroom. He hates how empty and lacking it is (even if this part is decidedly his fault). He hates how much it reminds him of the worst version of himself, the one that likes feeling like shit, that gets off of it. The version of himself that’s content with a mediocre life, because anything else would imply effort. The version of himself that had prevailed and forced him to quit playing volleyball after seeing Hinata and Kageyama playing at the Olympics and concluding that, since he obviously would never be as good as them, why was he even trying?

In an effort to take ownership of the place he dives into a thorough cleaning spree and then reorganizes the furniture. Granted, there isn’t many pieces of it to move around, but he tries. And when he realises there’s only so many configurations you can make of a couch, a carpet and a coffee table, he also goes on the internet and buys several used items. A library so he can finally bring some books with him from work and not have to leave them in a pile next to his bed. A night stand that has drawers, where he plans to put his work and studies papers that he now keeps in an old backpack he doesn’t use anymore. He even buys a plant, and warmer toned lightbulbs, so everything doesn’t look so sad. The next day when he leaves work he goes to IKEA and gets a couple smaller bookshelf units and a piece of wood to make himself a desk, which ends up taking him several days to assemble, but the price for having someone do it for him seemed excessive. He also gets a chair that’s supposed to be good for his posture or something.

By the end of the week his apartment looks like a completely new one. He divided the space between living room area, with his couch and coffee table, and his desk-work area, with the bigger library acting like the wall. It does make the space feel smaller, but he prefers it like that, he feels it makes it less cold. There’re still very little things but he doesn’t mind the minimalist look. He brings back some books from his work and from his parents’ home (he has lunch with his family while he’s at it, surprising his parents so much with the proposition that they end up looking weird at him all the time he stays there, like he was about to say he has a terminal disease or something), so the library doesn’t feel so empty. He’s actually excited about the empty spaces that remain. Somewhere along the line he had stopped buying books just because he had nowhere to put them. Now every library seems to be calling for him.

When his brother drives him from their parents’ house with the box of books and goes inside for a bit, he opens his eyes big before going

“wow.” He walks around the apartment and marvels at Kei’s new stuff. He eventually looks at him like waiting for an explanation and when Kei doesn’t deliver, he just says “It looks great Kei! It looks…. _so you_. You’re just missing some dinosaur toys-

“Replicas” he corrects.

“Right, replicas, over there at the library, and you’re good to go! Did Tadashi help you out with this?” he asks and Tsuki thinks that if he had it would look nicer.

“No, I haven’t even told him. He’s coming to dinner tonight, so he’ll see it.” Akiteru looks at him making a grin he doesn’t like one bit.

“Oh, so it’s like a surprise? Alright, that’s cute.”

Kei rolls his eyes even though that’s exactly what he was planning and walks to the door to signal he has overstayed his welcome. Akiteru picks up on it and heads to the door, but right before opening it he turns around and eyes the space one more time

“You’re doing good Kei. I heard mom say that today to dad too, that you look like you’re doing good.” He turns to look at him, smiling sincerely. “I’m glad you are” he then pats him in the back and leaves with his own set of keys he has in case of an emergency.

Kei sits at his new chair in front of his new desk and sighs happily. He _is_ doing good. He thinks of where he was a year ago, just starting to see this therapist that his friend at work recommended, and explaining to her why he didn’t feel with enough energy to even shower at times, and where he is now, and he feels like a different person.

He pulls out his cell phone from his pants pocket and checks his texts. None from Yamaguchi yet, but it makes sense because they talked on the phone that morning and after a 3 hour long conversation you usually don’t have anything else to talk about with someone, especially if you just had meeting after meeting at work, like he told him he would. He smiles at his phone thinking about how their conversation had gone. He had received a text from Yamaguchi that made his heart stop and it read

“Tsukiiiii!!! I miss you!” and immediately after an incoming call from him.

“I miss you too” he had said before even saying hi and proceeded to **d i e** internally. He tried to save it by changing the subject and telling him he was about to text him to invite him to have dinner that day, he was just making some fried rice, nothing fancy, but he knew how much-

“I love your fried rice Tsuki!! I’ll be there!”

And then they had began talking about everything and nothing until Tadashi had to hung up.

He goes to the kitchen to start prepping the vegetables, with a smile on his face, that apparently, he can’t shake anymore. It was born the day of the move, with all of their friends chatting around him and days went by and it’s still there. He thinks he could get used to it.

\--------------------------------------------

“Oh my god!!!! So this is why you had me completely abandoned??” Yamaguchi near-shouted when he entered the apartment. “Oh my god Tsuki, it looks so good! It’s so _you_!”

“Akiteru said the same thing.” Kei commented.

“Akiteru came here??”

“yeah, today, he helped me get some things from my parents’ house, the books over there.”

“Did he know you where doing this?” he seemed more curious than anything, his eyes glistening with excitement.

“no, I didn’t tell anyone.” He confessed. He doesn’t know why he didn’t. He just didn’t want to make a big deal of it. And the irrational part of his brain was afraid that talking about it would somehow jinx it.

“Was this why you wanted me to come for dinner Tsuki?” he asked, smiling so big his eyes became tiny. Kei just shrugged, but he knew Yamaguchi knew it meant “yes.”

“I also just wanted to see you” he added, for good measure.

“For any particular reason?” asked Tadashi, not really paying attention to him, looking around the renovated space.

“No.” he answered and went to the kitchen. “Can you set the table? Dinner will be ready in 15.”

“Sure thing Tsuki!” Yamaguchi said, and opened the fridge. “Maybe we should have a little sake to celebrate!”

“Celebrate what?”

“Your new place! I mean, I know it’s not new, but it feels new doesn’t it? It feels like a home.”

“Sure. But I’m moving out anyways.”

“Wait what?”

“When the contract’s due.” He clarified, though it still didn’t explain much.

“Oh, it’s in a couple months, right? So you bought all of these stuff while planning to move out?”

“Well, I’ll be taking the furniture with me.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know yet. Someplace that feels right. With more natural light, and on a less noisy street. Bigger kitchen.”

“Maybe you could go to the outskirts too! If you want, I can start l start looking around my neighbourhood to see if there’s anything for rent.” He shouted from the living room.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” He answered. When Yamaguchi finished setting the table he went to stand next to the door frame. He took out his phone and after looking at it for a bit he said, very excited

“Tsuki it’s 12 degrees out! We can turn the heater on now!” he sounded so thrilled that Kei didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had actually checked and that was just the thermal sensation and not the actual temperature, which was still 15 degrees.

“Sure Tadashi, can you turn it on? I’m almost finished with this.” Yamaguchi looked at him with a little smirk he didn’t know what to make of.

“Sure thing… **_Kei_** ” he said, pointedly and winked an eye at him and it was ridiculous, and he loved it.

The rice was great (it was one of the first recipes he had learnt to do, so he had really polished it with the years), and the sake flowed easily. Luckily he only had a couple small-ish bottles, he used it to cook and there had been a 2 for 1 promo at the store. They quickly finished the first one, which was already opened, and they were on their way to finish the second one. He actually felt quite sober, thanks to the filling meal probably. They talked about where he got each item, how much it costed, why he put it there, Yamaguchi asking so specifically one would think he was going to be quizzed about it. Then they kept talking about their days and the news they had from their friends and the trailer of some movie they wanted to watch and so on.

“Tsuki can I tell you something?” said Yamaguchi after a couple seconds of silence, after the topic of an insane video Hinata and Kageyama had sent them where they did the dance choreography of dirty dancing for whatever reason they hadn’t cared to explain, run out.

Kei just nodded and went in to serve another cup of sake for the two of them.

“You look good.” Tadashi said, smiling sweetly. Tsuki looked at him confused but flattered, the alcohol lowering his inhibitions enough for him to not feel like hiding his emotions.

“Okay?”

“I mean, you look good-happy. Not good-handsome. I mean, good-handsome too, you always look good-handsome but that wasn’t what I was talking about.” Clearly the both of them were somewhat affected by the drinking.

“Thanks.” He answered, when nothing else came to mind. “You look good too.” He meant it. “In both ways.” He added and chugged the sake he had just poured. He got up, a little too abruptly maybe, making his head spin a little, and stated “I want something sweet” before heading for the kitchen.

He heard the soft steps behind him, following him, but he didn’t turn around until he found the chocolate he always had stashed behind all the baking supplies. When he turned around, he found Tadashi was standing very close to him, his head tilted up a bit, to look at him in the eyes. He froze in place, careful not to make a move, and let Tadashi lean forward to place small kiss on his nose.

“Sweet like this?” he said softly, and Kei swallowed audibly and nodded, not trusting his voice enough to answer. There was silence between them, and he used it to breath and relax, to the point when it felt natural to him to just wrap his arms around Tadashi’s waist and bring him in, for a warm, soft hug. Tadashi sighed happily in his sweater, fusing his face to Kei’s chest. “I like this” he said and rubbed his face on Kei.

“Tadashi?” he asked tentatively. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to bring this up, but he didn’t think he would be brave enough any other time.

“Mmm?”

“You know…” he took a deep breath. “You know I want to be with you right?” he felt Yamaguchi tense a bit in his arms. “I’m not saying this to pressure you or anything, I’m just saying it because I realised I didn’t before and it’s important. I love you and I want to be with you and I really don’t care if its just like this or something different, I just want to be close to you as often as I can and just… be in your life. That’s all I want.”

Tadashi slowly moved away from him to be able to look up at his face, Kei’s arms still around his waist, and his own still around Kei’s neck.

“I want that too. Always be near you.” They smiled at each other and Kei said

“Maybe we should go to sleep…” Tadashi considered it for a moment and then took the chocolate bar from Kei’s hand and walked off to the bedroom.

“Sure, but I’m having some dessert first.” He said. Kei just stood still in his kitchen, his hand on his heart, feeling it beating wildly, smiling at the door Tadashi had disappeared through.

\--------------------------------------------

He woke up and surprisingly, Tadashi was already awake, looking at something on his phone.

“Hi” he said, and his voice sounded as groggy as he felt.

“Hi Tsuki” Tadashi answered, putting the phone down to smile at him.

“Why you up?” he asked, while rubbing his eyes. The curiosity had beaten the not talking rule he had in the morning.

“I don’t know, I just woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.” He explained.

“oh” he answered, and sat up on the bed, and leaned over Yamaguchi to grab his glasses from the nightstand on Yamaguchi’s side, before putting them on. The simple action had made Tadashi blush and he counted it as a sign that it was going to be a good day.

“Hey, so, I umm… I kinda got us some reservations at this place… to have lunch today.”

“Oh?”

“yeah, it’s close from here. It’s a bit of a fancy restaurant so maybe I should get back to my place and grab something to wear that’s a little more-“

“I’ll just lend you something.” He said.

“Tsuki, it’s gonna look huge on me.”

“I’m not that much bigger. Let me look.” He stood up and searched through his clothes. He quickly found what he was looking for: a fancy sweater his brother had gotten for him that was too tight for his liking. He threw it at Yamaguchi. “Try it on.” He said.

“Now?” he asked, but he was already putting it over his head. “Oh, it fits quite nice.”

He looked at his button downs and picked one that went well with the sweater.

“Here.” He said and threw it at Tadashi as well. “You can wear that underneath, it won’t be visible if it’s too big.” Then he threw himself back on the bed. “Now you don’t have to go nowhere.” He stated. Yamaguchi just beamed at him.

“Sure thing Tsuki.”

\--------------------------------------------

The restaurant was even fancier than it looked on the outside, but it was a hipster kind of fancy, not an elegant kind of fancy, so Tadashi’s white converse, blue jeans and button-down under sweater really didn’t feel so out of place. Kei had actually worn his fancy black leather booties, with his fanciest pair of black jeans (the same model as always, just a newer pair he had bought because the other was getting worn down) and his favourite not so worn out sweater that was a deep navy blue colour.

They sat at the table Yamaguchi had reserved for them next to a big window with a view to the river. He could see the museum on the other side of it.

“Yamaguchi, why ar-“

“Oh, the waiter’s coming! Do you know what you want to drink?” What was going on?

“Water, I guess. I feel a little hungover still.”

“Maybe a nice warm broth could help with that.” Suggested the waiter.

“AAhh, that’s a nice idea, right Tsuki?” he was his cheerful normal self, but something smelled weird to Tsukishima. Still, he played along.

“Sure. I’ll look at the menu some more to decide the first course.” The waiter left and he considered picking up the question he had started to ask: Why are we here? But Tadashi seemed nervous and excited and the food on the menu looked great and he decided he was just gonna sit back and watch the situation as it unfolded.

The food was delicious, and the conversation flowed between them easily, as usual. When Tadashi caught him staring and asked if he had something on his teeth, he answered

“No, you just look great” and he felt like their talk the night before and the way he just blushed and smiled away, shy but comfortable, gave him a green card for him to make this type of comments. He realised also that the part of himself that in the past would have cringed at such a statement, was truly dead now.

“You look great too, Tsuki. You always do.” And his earnestness was ravishing.

“Well, I guess me make a good match then.” They were flirting. He knew they were. He found that for the first time he was able to channel his coolness into it (in the past his attemps at flirting had come on way too strong or way too ambiguous. Stuff among the lines of “I’m attracted to you, let’s fuck.” Or “Seeing you makes me feel something, I think. Maybe.”). He also quickly confirmed, as he had suspected at least since the bathtub incident, that Tadashi was really fucking great at flirting. From that moment on his demeanour changed and he wasn’t nervous anymore. He was just… smooth. Cool. Really fucking sexy. The I know you want to fuck me kind of sexy.

“wow Tsuki, I had never thought about it.” Tadashi answered, opening his eyes big to feign surprise.

“Well, you’ve always been kind of slow.”

“Really? Me? Don’t you think you’re projecting a little bit?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How long was it that it took you to realise we… how did you say, “Make a good match”?” Kei couldn’t hold back the laughter anymore.

“I’ll admit… maybe I was a little late.” He said, trying to keep a straight face.

“It’s alright. You arrived anyways.” And his smile was so beautiful and his words so encouraging that Kei felt like, maybe, it wasn’t so risky to think he had a chance after all.

They got the check and Tadashi insisted on inviting. Then they walked next to the river and sat at the patch of grass next to it. The chill air was countered by the warm sun, shining above them.

Kei could sense Tadashi getting nervous again, so he just sat there waiting, enjoying the sun while he mustered up the courage to say what he had been planning all day. Finally, after some minutes, Tadashi broke the silence with his anxiously tinted voice.

“Tsuki, I think we should talk. Or maybe I should talk and then you can tell me what you feel. Well, I guess that’s the same as talking, now that I said it out loud…” he looked at him nervously and then scratched the back of his neck. “It’s so weird, I feel like a teenager again.” He laughed. “so unsure..” Kei tried to suppress the frown on his face and make a face that looked more inviting.

“You don’t have to-“

“Yeah, I do. I really do. Because there are things I really want to do and to do them first we need to talk.” He said, resolutely.

“Oh. Okay” so he was right.

“You have to understand… I never really thought I had stopped loving you.” This was _that_ talk. “I still referred to you as my unrequited love to the friends that didn’t know you. And also to some who did. I just thought that I had to move on however I could because it wasn’t going to happen. So it wasn’t until you said that you understood I couldn’t possibly feel the same… that I realised you were right. I didn’t feel the same. It hadn’t even occurred to me, but it was true. And then I started to think about what is love and what does it feel like and I really think I never stopped loving you, I couldn’t have. I don’t think I have it in me. But I wasn’t _in love_ with you, maybe, or I just didn’t think of you as a real possibility and that changes things. Because, contrary to how I behaved the last few years… I do want that. What Kageyama and Hinata have, the forever together fantasy. I want the long term committed relationship, the living together and the going to each other’s family parties and holidays. The having kids, raising them together. The growing old and getting the grandkids during the school holidays. And I didn’t think… I didn’t think these were things you wanted. Ever.” At this point he looked at Tsuki like he was waiting for an answer, so he said

“Yeah, I … I don’t think I thought I would want it either.” He could feel his heart racing, but he felt calm somehow. Everything was going to be okay; he knew it.

“And then you told me… you told me you love me. And that you’re in love with me and you had been all of this time and that you were purposely sabotaging us because you were scared… I’ve seen you in relationships, Tsuki. I don’t want to be mean but… it’s really not your strongest suit. So it wasn’t only that I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be with you anymore, it was that I didn’t know if it was something you were ready for. And I can’t keep on waiting for you, you know. I feel like I have been, in some way, just waiting for you to admit… or maybe this is just me overthinking it.” He sighed heavily, leaning back on the grass. “It’s so weird not knowing what to do with you. How to feel about you. It used to be the only thing I was sure about. I was the boy that loved you no matter what, you know? And I know I’m not making a lot of sense. Nothing makes sense inside my head anymore. I think back to me a month and a half ago. I don’t even recognize myself. I was playing house with someone who had an expiration date. I saw him.” At this point he looked at him again, like he was expecting he would get mad or say something. But Kei just looked back at him, waiting for him to continue. “This week. I didn’t tell you because I felt like I had to do it on my own. I gave him a box of stuff he had left at home. We talked. He said he was sorry about how it had ended. It was so weird Tsuki. I felt like I didn’t even know him. Maybe I never did, maybe I was dating a figure of my imagination. But I saw him and I told him… I told him that I didn’t blame him because it was my choice but that if he had truly loved me, he wouldn’t have asked me to stay with him like that. And he said I was right. He said he realised that what he had asked of me… that he would have never done it for me. Or for anyone. And I realised I’m not even sad anymore. I’m not sad it ended. I’m relieved. But I’m also angry. At myself. Angry that I was just waiting around for it to be finished. But it also feels like it finished years ago. Before it even started. It was infertile. It was dead from the start. I also… I realise it must have been really hard for you to watch me do that to myself. I know it was really hard for me to see you go through everything you went through this past year. And at least you got help. At least you realised you needed help. I didn’t.” he took a deep breath.

“But that’s all over. I’m done with that version of myself. I’m done not doing the things that I want to do. And I know it’s too early to claim victory. I know it has just been a month, but I feel so much better. Happier. Freer. And I want to keep that up. And yesterday, when you hugged me… when you told me you just wanted to be with me. I could see our future. And it was brilliant. It was beautiful. Everything I ever wanted. And for the first time I thought I could actually have it. That **we** could have it. I thought we were finally on the same page. And I really, really, really wanted to kiss you.” Kei felt like he had run out of air. Yamaguchi looked at him and smiled. “Because I love you. And I want to be with you too. I don’t know if it ever stopped or if it was dormant but these past few weeks… today, which, by the way, it was our first date, I fell in love with you all over again. And you’re not the same person. And that’s okay. You’re trying now. To be happy. And I want to be happy with you. I think it will be so much better than being happy without you. I don’t need you like I used to Tsuki. And that just makes it a lot better.”

There were tears streaming down his face, but he still looked so beautiful, his skin golden in the sun. Kei didn’t even think about it, he just grabbed Tadashi’s face between his hands, and he kissed him. And it was a mess, their noses bumped, and his glasses tippled, and their rhythm was so off, but he didn’t care at all. He felt like he was floating. He felt like he was finally breathing. He felt so grateful. He would spend the rest of his life trying to repay Tadashi for all the happiness he had made him feel in that exact moment. Tadashi wanted him. **_Him_**. And Kento was right. It didn’t matter if he deserved it or not. It was what Tadashi wanted and he respected him enough to let him choose.

They didn’t kiss long. They were in public and they didn’t feel very comfortable, but it didn’t matter. They walked to Kei’s apartment holding hands and it felt as intimate as the kiss had felt. Kei still hadn’t spoken a single word. He was too busy smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you liked it!   
> I honestly never thought it would take me this long to get them together, but it did. But now they're right where they belong!   
> I hope you liked it and if you did and would like to leave a kudo or a kind comment, I would really appreciate it!  
> As always, thanks to my brilliant beta for helping me out with this one because I was really lost at some point.  
> And last but not least, here's my tumblr [AssassinDuckie](https://assassinduckie.tumblr.com/)  
> if you wanna hang out!   
> See ya!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you liked it!! I had the inspiration for writing this after reading a kuroken fic that also happened many years later. I liked the idea of writing them as adults that have lived their own lives but keeping each other close.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it! I would like to thank my amazing beta Millie_Jean that keeps me motivated and encourages me to write, I would never be posting any of this, or writing them at all probably, if it wasn't for her. Love you so much.  
> If you liked this and would like to leave a kudo and a kind comment, I would really appreciate it!  
> See ya!


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